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Quitting Using a Patch
Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other's penis and notices a Nicorette patch on it.
He says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not your penis.'
The other priest replies, 'It's working fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
bazinga!
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she
in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'get your own f*cking blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
^^^^Lol!
http://i776.photobucket.com/albums/y...psa0884415.jpg
Today I was beaten up by a woman... I was in the elevator when that busty lady (above) got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did....................... and I don't remember much afterwards.
They tell me my injuries will heal in time.
Sal Weinstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. Sal told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up, he realized that he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself."
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life, she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
Sal broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
cid:1.27255067@web87406.mail.ir2.yahoo.com
You pilots will enjoy this. Victorians can be so polite!
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R –
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowldege cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we all said "Hi".
The prescription...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
A Viking armada is sailing towards an uncharted island.
The King looks at his crew and says,
Ok men, rape the women and kill the men... let's get it right this time!!
The Cardiologist and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in and, when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $44,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and, with a small grin, whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
^^Good one Doug.
^^Lol, lol, lol!!
Hello?'
'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? .............
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number ....
WOW
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
^^^classic
Sex after surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
has sued Wellington Hospital saying that after her husband had surgery there,
he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight.”
Nasty but funny as hell.
Interesting!
Enjoy life
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
The sick bastard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You'd better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living" . The bartender was almost crushed to death.
LOL
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Quote:
Originally Posted by KIDAGIN
Ha ha. That reminds me of a time in my 20's when me and my group of friends would hang out at the local pub. I had the same Tv as the the one at the bar so I'd secretly bring my remote and randomly change the channels during important sporting events. The owner would go apeshit every time. LoL I never got caught :)
LOL.......nice prank.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."