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I went and saw a shrink today. She said I had a split personality.....charged me $160 bucks.....I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other asshole!
911 CALL CENTER
A 911 Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Ontario, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
lol
A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
While boarding a train, a passenger noticed a young woman
tucking a small dog under her sweater, so that she didn't
have to leave it in the guards van.
He was passing by her seat a little later when he noticed
her squirming uneasily
"What's the problem?" he asked her "Is it not housetrained?"
"Worse than that" she replied "It's not been weaned yet"
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter
in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's
shivering and shaking.The other flea asks him, "Why
are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New
Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst
way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey
airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there
look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way
to travel that I can think of."
he first flea thanks the second flea and says he
will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in
Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second
flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you
said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a
few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came
in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I
was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
lol
OMG thats funny Doug.
A rancher lost her husband ,
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired.
lol
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
OMG, funny as hell.
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 of the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
"No, he says indignantly, why the hell you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said,
"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.
When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client,
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news."
"Your wife invested five thousand dollars in two pictures today. She
believes they are worth at least three million."
"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed!
You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"
"The two pictures are of you with your secretary."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ain't that the truth.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OtF_mWEcW6...00/woman3b.jpg
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'
^^Lol
I needed a good laugh today. Thanks guys.
Got yer back UB.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says,
"I know dis you fus tyne and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give
you anyting you wan. I do anyting you say you wan.
Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently, for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ..... numba 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries:
"You want .. Shrimp wif Broccori?"
Just Married
A young couple had just started their honeymoon. The new husband asked
his new bride how often they were going to have sex now that they were
married.
The new bride, after some thought, answered, "infrequently".
The new husband then asked, "is that one word or two?"
A penguin was driving through the desert
when his car broke down. He waddled to
the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was
quickly towed to the nearest garage where
the mechanic told him he would need a
couple of hours to check out the car. The
penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't
complain but wandered off to find the
closest supermarket. He proceeded to the
frozen foods section and hung out near the
fish sticks. After an hour he got in the
freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate
several gallons. Then he saw the time and
went back to the garage covered in ice
cream. The mechanic walked over to him
wiping his hands and shaking his head
saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just
ice cream."
A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
Canadian men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week,
whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
During Jeannie’s medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you women into all kinds of trouble."
Jeannie immediately starts taking her knickers down.
"No! No!, not that," says the doctor. "Just stick out your tongue!"
Lol
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here. "
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet. "
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, ! she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy" She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because! I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes , it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Good one Rick