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2 buddies were fishing when a funeral procession drives over a bridge nearby.
The one stands respectfully and places his cap over his heart.
The other was moved by his buddy's display and said "well that was a nice way to pay your respects."
His buddy said " It was the least I could do-I was married to her for 30 years..."
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An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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Late Night Vet Call..
Even though her dog was in heat, she agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two
dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful
howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and
although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered
in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he
will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
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While visiting an upscale girls school, Sir Douglas Bader (RAF flying ace) was telling a story.
"So there were two of the F***ers behind me, three F***ers to my right, another F***er to the left....."
The head mistress went pale and interjected, "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft."
Sir Douglas replied, "That may be madam, but these F***ers were in Messerschmitts!"
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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The following quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer) Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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A couple on a trip to Mexico decide to eat at an upscale restaurant after a round of golf. While perusing the menu the guy notices one of the patrons at the adjoining table enjoying a plate of meatballs smothered in salsa and topped off with melted cheese.
"That looks delicious!' he exclaims to the waiter, 'What is it?" "Si Senor, that is our house specialty, called 'Cajones del Toro'."
"I'll have that", he says. "Sorry, senor, but that is only available on holidays after the bull fight. You would need to make a reservation. The next opening is a week from today." "Well, put me down for a table next week", he says.
A week later they show up on time, hungry after a long afternoon on the course. He orders the specialty and, after enjoying the first few bites, calls the waiter over. "My god, this is outrageously delicious! A little rubbery in texture, but excellent indeed. But I must say, these meatballs are considerably smaller than the ones I saw being served last week"
"Oh, but Senor, sometimes the bull wins!"