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A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
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Subject: 1st parachute jump
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did
you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up
in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when
you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to
grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump
then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped,
and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So,
did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I
grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump
Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' "I said, 'No, sir.
I'm too scared.'" "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his
penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking
this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well,
a little, at first..." --------------------
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One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the
door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the
world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and
into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the
hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he
said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True
Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I
will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.
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1 Attachment(s)
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golfing
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The
ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several
long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked?
"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a
high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks,
having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
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A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
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Blonde in church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?", the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet", was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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Three mischievous old Grandmas were
Sitting on a bench outside the nursing
Home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you
Can guess my age!
cid:2.3530374397@web142703.mail.bf1.yahoo.com
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
We can! Just drop your pants and
Undershorts and we can tell your
Exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious
To prove they couldn't do it,
He dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
Around a couple of times and then jump
Up and down several times. Determined
To prove them wrong, he did it. Then they
All said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!'
Standing with his pants down around
His ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
The world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'