Post up Good Jokes!

[Crash]

Quitting Using a Patch

Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other's penis and notices a Nicorette patch on it.

He says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not your penis.'

The other priest replies, 'It's working fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

[ZR]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[RedSN]

bazinga!

[ZR]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."








The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"









A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Sswitch]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own f*cking blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Blackmare]

^^^^Lol!

[Sswitch]

http://i776.photobucket.com/albums/yy45/Pumachick/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zpsa0884415.jpg (http://s776.photobucket.com/user/Pumachick/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zpsa0884415.jpg.html)

Today I was beaten up by a woman... I was in the elevator when that busty lady (above) got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

So I did....................... and I don't remember much afterwards.
They tell me my injuries will heal in time.

[Canadianii]

Sal Weinstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. Sal told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.


As he hung up, he realized that he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.


The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself."


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!


For the rest of her life, she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


Sal broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Crash]

cid:1.27255067@web87406.mail.ir2.yahoo.com
You pilots will enjoy this. Victorians can be so polite!

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R –
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowldege cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we all said "Hi".

[FoxRod]

The prescription...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[ZR]

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

[ZR]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!" (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/2744/a-guy-walks-into-a-bar-with-an-alligator-its-abo)

[ZR]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread. (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/1947/guy-can-i-buy-you-a-drink-girl-sorry-but)

[ZR]

A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?" (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/9577/a-blonde-and-red-head-are-walking-in-the-woods-whe)

[ZR]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/12511/a-family-is-at-the-dinner-table-the-son-asks-the-)

[Ray721]

A Viking armada is sailing towards an uncharted island.

The King looks at his crew and says,

Ok men, rape the women and kill the men... let's get it right this time!!

[KIDAGIN]

The Cardiologist and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in and, when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $44,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and, with a small grin, whispered to the mechanic ...




"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Stephen06GT]

^^Good one Doug.

[Old Fart]

^^Lol, lol, lol!!

[KIDAGIN]

Hello?'
'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'
Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? .............
Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ....

[ZR]

WOW

[ZR]

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

[ZR]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[tulowd]

Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."


Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."

[ZR]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[ZR]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[ZR]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[ZR]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

[ZR]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Styrofoam04]

^^^classic

[KIDAGIN]

Sex after surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
has sued Wellington Hospital saying that after her husband had surgery there,
he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight.”

[ZR]

Nasty but funny as hell.

[KIDAGIN]

Interesting!

Enjoy life





Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.



Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike.



Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn't take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

The sick bastard!!



The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You'd better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".



SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.



Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"



Scottish Wedding

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living" . The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[ZR]

LOL

[ZR]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[Sswitch]

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn't take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.


Ha ha. That reminds me of a time in my 20's when me and my group of friends would hang out at the local pub. I had the same Tv as the the one at the bar so I'd secretly bring my remote and randomly change the channels during important sporting events. The owner would go apeshit every time. LoL I never got caught :)

[ZR]

LOL.......nice prank.

[ZR]

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[ZR]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

[ZR]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

[83 5.0]

Interesting!

Scottish Wedding

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living" . The bartender was almost crushed to death.


LOL, I was going to file a human rights complaint, then remembered this probably happened at one of my families many weddings over the years!

<img src="http://www.myemoticons.com/images/world/scotland/sports/scottish-pub.gif" border="0" alt="Scottish Pub" title="Scottish Pub" />

[Uncle Buck]

A man goes to see a psychiatrist with an obsession.

Dr, I work at a pickle factory and can't resist the urge to place my penis in the pickle slicer but I'm afraid I'll get caught.

The Dr says, For Pete's sakes you need to stop that before you get hurt. Simply try and think about something else when you get the urge.

The next week the man returns and reports that once again he put his penis in the slicer.

The Dr asked, Did you get hurt?

No, it was great.

The Dr again encouraged him to fight the temptation before something terrible happens.

A few days later the man returned looking very upset.

The Dr asked, What happened?

The man said, He got caught by management with his penis in the pickle slicer and was fired from the factory.

The Dr asked, So what are they doing with the pickle slicer now that they know what you've been doing?

The man answered, They fired her too.

[Not4you]

For RedSN ...

http://sfglobe.com/?id=644&src=fbfan4_644

[ZR]

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

[ZR]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[RedSN]

For RedSN ...

http://sfglobe.com/?id=644&src=fbfan4_644
LOL, thanks.

Here's a couple mathy jokes:

http://cnt.winkal.com/52259cc4e4b082efb4ae1826/NWIl_700.jpg

http://24.media.tumblr.com/6eed87e62a56f8ae536651d2b062dd1d/tumblr_mo2x5l3kxh1qfqg3uo1_400.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

The Confession


A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In
fact more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Bloody autocorrect. Sorry, I
meant "wifi", not "wife".

[ZR]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[ZR]

What did the left p*ssy lip say to the right p*ssy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that d*ck come between us."

[ZR]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[ZR]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[Screw]

http://http://i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag100/maxnhero/57FB5C0D-05AB-46EE-9F7C-4AA9C35DAF56-1187-0000014F92C22D99_zpsa93651e9.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged
and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds
himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada , where they are prepared to
give him a chance to shine again.

The director says "This is the most
important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage
carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and
thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma
of my mistress."
The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the
play he was practising his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the
stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet
aroma of my mistress." The theater erupted, the audience was screaming
with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The Irish actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[ZR]

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

[RedSN]

^^^LOL

http://www.zuguide.com/images/2345/2345.0.570.359.jpg
Drill Sergeant: WHAT'S YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IN THIS ARMY?
Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant?
Drill Sergeant: GODDAMMIT, GUMP! YOU'RE A GODDAMN GENIUS! THAT'S THE BEST OUTSTANDING ANSWER I'VE EVER HEARD! YOU MUST HAVE A GODDAMN I.Q. OF 160! YOU ARE GODDAMNED GIFTED, PRIVATE GUMP!

[ZR]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."

[ZR]

Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
A: It runs in your genes.

[ZR]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

[Slope]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

F*ckin' LOL. Hahahahahaa.

[ZR]

Lil edgy but funny as hell.

[ZR]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

[ZR]

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

[Canadianii]

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language so is I do is the longest sentence?

[The Newmare]

Willy came home from school with a teachers note: wash Willy he smells,parent sends back a note......teach Willy don't smell him!!

[KIDAGIN]

A Kentucky Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might consider getting it cleaned..... They’re all black."

[ZR]

^^^ Funny as hell.

[Slope]

A Kentucky Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might consider getting it cleaned..... They’re all black."

Had a good roar to this one!!!

LMFAO, thank you.

[twister]

little johnny was playing with his pecker behind the couch and his mother caught him... and said if you keep doing that johnny you will go blind... and johnny's response was can i do it till i need glasses... roflao

[ZR]

LOL Dave.

[ZR]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[ZR]

I saw a girl texting and driving yesterday and it got me so mad that I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her. Kids these days....

[Crash]

I saw a girl texting and driving yesterday and it got me so mad that I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her. Kids these days....

Soooo, ur the dude that pissed my GF off! She hates "Blue" ....

[ZR]

Only beer I was willing to waste.

[ZR]

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

[Crash]

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.....


A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

:rockon:

[baddbullitt]

http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/14/09/13/3785d52b8a027992edf25e3247c4d208.jpg


Sent from my iPhone while drinking!

[Ray721]

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management




Sadly that's the way the world is going anyways.

[KIDAGIN]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the ...7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

[ZR]

That was awesome. ^^

[KIDAGIN]

Newfie boat owner.....................
The Newfoundland Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help. An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.
GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

[KIDAGIN]

Subject: Stick Em Up

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He
goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says
"But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she
looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks
it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that
one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and
says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[ZR]

Yikes but lol

[ZR]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[KIDAGIN]

^^^^lol

[ZR]

Sorry can't meantion the name, was sworn to secrecy.

[Slope]

Sorry can't meantion the name, was sworn to secrecy.

So THAT'S how you lost the 3".

Was hard to watch from the closet. :(

[ZR]

Sadly down to 9 brother but doin the best I can.

[KIDAGIN]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[KIDAGIN]

The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped
giving milk. The people did some research and found they
could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They
bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people
were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry
about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the
cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the local
veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told
the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she
backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away
to the other side."
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks,
"Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never
mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a
wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
in Saskatchewan?"
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Saskatchewan."

[KIDAGIN]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and
take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend
shouting out cries of... "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE,
TWO, THREE... UGH!"... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The
first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed."

[ZR]

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Fred he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Fred is. He can't help himself, and asks Fred what his secret is. "Well," says Fred, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Fred? Is that you?"

[Slope]

^^^F*ckin' rights!

LMAO!!!

[ZR]

Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

[ZR]

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions

[ZR]

Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

[KIDAGIN]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. .
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie
"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." .
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. .
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have another look at the dog.

[ZR]

^^^ Hell yes. LOL

[KIDAGIN]

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his
dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the
bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog
tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied
under the shade of the tree.
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred."
No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry,
cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells
out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says,
"Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/Mouthwash.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/Mouthwash.jpg.html)

[ZR]

LOL

[ZR]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."

[RedSN]

Prince Charles .....

http://i.imgur.com/bRoKRtF.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

Senior Sex

nior Sexhttp://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/SeniorSex.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/SeniorSex.jpg.html)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Ray721]

Lol that's seriously funny!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ray721]

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ray721]

A 5 year old girl lives next to a vacant lot. When construction starts on the lot she starts to take notice naturally. And the workers let her hang around during coffee breaks and lunch breaks, and they soon give her easy tasks that make her feel important. She's the new mascot around the site. At the end of the week she even got a pay cheque of $10. Her mother suggested she put the money in savings at the bank. When they got there the teller asked the little girl how she got so much money at such a young age. And she said where. And she asks will she be working at the house again next week? And the girl said, " if those assholes at Home Depot deliver the fucking Sheetrock"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Slope]

A 5 year old girl lives next to a vacant lot. When construction starts on the lot she starts to take notice naturally. And the workers let her hang around during coffee breaks and lunch breaks, and they soon give her easy tasks that make her feel important. She's the new mascot around the site. At the end of the week she even got a pay cheque of $10. Her mother suggested she put the money in savings at the bank. When they got there the teller asked the little girl how she got so much money at such a young age. And she said where. And she asks will she be working at the house again next week? And the girl said, " if those assholes at Home Depot deliver the fucking Sheetrock"

That's a damn Winner right there!

Thanks. :)

[KIDAGIN]

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed.

"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
"Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[KIDAGIN]

Sperm Sample

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So,
he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to
take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The
elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the
lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried
with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My
wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend
too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the
specimen cup.

[KIDAGIN]

Watch where u put it

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor,
curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous creature
lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I
saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her
refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on
it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her
trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and
slipped my penis up through the hole.

She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the
door."

"And then?" said the doctor.

"Aw hell," the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under
the stove."

[KIDAGIN]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well,
I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me ?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need
,were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already ??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you, " the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

[ZR]

^ LOL

[ZR]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/cheatinghusband.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/cheatinghusband.jpg.html)

[twister]

^^^ is this from someone in aurora ..lol

[ZR]

Damm that was funny Doug.

[Uncle Buck]

Doug has awesome jokes

[KIDAGIN]

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised
him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept
feeling something that was pulling at the hairs on
his chest. Worried that it might be a second
surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he
finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
down enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable Taped firmly across his hairy chest
were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra
sticky kind that doesn't come off once it is put on.
Written in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon!
Luv, from the nurse you ticketed last week!"

[KIDAGIN]

A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family
for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here !'

[KIDAGIN]

A Horses Ass

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton
appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television
and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A
customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton
appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a
customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him,
and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to
the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[KIDAGIN]

A father walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter, he starts panicking , shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee
bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to
squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
hands the coin to the father and walks back to her
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the
woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue
Canada."

[Styrofoam04]

^^^ Ha Ha Good one doug

[Windjammer]

100 yr. old Twin sisters in a Newfie Nursing Home


Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "

With a big grin the deaf twin whispered, "BOTH OF US????"

[Windjammer]

This couple have been married for 50 years. The husband comes home from a day fishing trip and is horny as hell. He strips down his wife and goes down on her. He says to his wife we have been together for 50 years and you used to taste so sweet, but now it just doesn’t taste right, what has happened. His wife replies it is because of my arthritis. OK he says and carries on.

A few days he is horned up again and strips down his wife and goes down on her. He says Honey you told me the change in taste is from your arthritis, but how can that be?

She replies, even since I got arthritis I havent been able to wipe my ass from the back, so I have to wipe it from the front. That is why it tastes different.

[Windjammer]

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Fred he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Fred is. He can't help himself, and asks Fred what his secret is. "Well," says Fred, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Fred? Is that you?"

[Windjammer]

A cop stopped a guy for speeding. “May I see your driver’s license?”
“I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth drunk driving charge.”
“May I see your ownership and registration please?”
“It’s not my car. I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?”
“That’s right. But I think I saw the ownership and registration in the glove box when I was putting the gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir. That’s where I put it after killed the guy who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.”
“There’s a body in the trunk!?!”
“Yes sir.”
Soon car was surrounded by police, and a police sergeant approached the driver. “Sir, can I see your license, ownership and registration?”
The driver gave it all to him. All was in order. The sergeant said, “Whose car is this?”
“It’s mine, officer.”
“Can you open the glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?”
The driver opened the glove box. There was no gun. The sergeant said, “Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in there.”
The driver opened the trunk – there was no body. The sergeant said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” said the driver, “and I bet the lying S.O.B. said I was speeding too.”

[Windjammer]

A cop stopped a guy for speeding. “May I see your driver’s license?”
“I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth drunk driving charge.”
“May I see your ownership and registration please?”
“It’s not my car. I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?”
“That’s right. But I think I saw the ownership and registration in the glove box when I was putting the gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir. That’s where I put it after killed the guy who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.”
“There’s a body in the trunk!?!”
“Yes sir.”
Soon car was surrounded by police, and a police sergeant approached the driver. “Sir, can I see your license, ownership and registration?”
The driver gave it all to him. All was in order. The sergeant said, “Whose car is this?”
“It’s mine, officer.”
“Can you open the glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?”
The driver opened the glove box. There was no gun. The sergeant said, “Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in there.”
The driver opened the trunk – there was no body. The sergeant said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” said the driver, “and I bet the lying S.O.B. said I was speeding too.”


A TRIP TO Costco!
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> > for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
> > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
> > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
> > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
> > I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
> > awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> > orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
> > works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
> > or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> > it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
> > that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
> > poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[needboost]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Never assume that your Mum doesn't know!!!!

[ZR]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

[KIDAGIN]

Three woman had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the
early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an
early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew
Chunks."

To which the second girl replied, "You think *that* was drunk? I got
into my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the
first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home,
got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the
whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says:
"Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[KIDAGIN]

Three woman had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the
early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an
early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew
Chunks."

To which the second girl replied, "You think *that* was drunk? I got
into my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the
first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home,
got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the
whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says:
"Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[KIDAGIN]

There's two men working together at the sawmill when one of them
accidentally saws his arm off. Quickly thinking his friend takes the
arm,puts it in a plastic bag and rushes them to hospital. The following
day he visits the hospital to find his friend playing tennis.
"Wow the wonders of modern science".
So anyway they get back to work and are chatting away when a lapse in
concentration results in the same careless guy sawing his leg off.
Knowing the drill his friend takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and
off they all go to hospital. The next visiting time he finds his friend playing
football.
"Wow the wonders of modern science".
A week later, back at work when the guy leans forward just a little
too far and saws his head off. Straight away his friend takes the head,
puts it in a plastic bag and rushes them all off to hospital. The next day
the friend visits to find no sign of his chum.
"Where's my friend" asks the guy of the orderly.
"Well", said the orderly, "we could have saved him but some idiot put
his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!!

[Windjammer]

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty
look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."


Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them

Q.What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine.
A The washing machine won't follow your around after you put a couple loads in it.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about unusual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to

file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resource supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

After a long night of passionate lovemaking, this guy rolls over & was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, honey," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all handsome," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he asked again, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

[90LXCoupe]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.''I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy.
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

'Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'.

[90LXCoupe]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.''I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy.
'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

'Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'.

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!!

Punch line was supposed to be on there.........see bold above

[ZR]

We got the idea.

[ZR]

Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

[KIDAGIN]

Dogs at the Vet
3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a
vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a
Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and
asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old.
I don't see or hear very well. I've been
having accidents in the house. My owner
says I'm too old and sick so he brought me
here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are
you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself
lately. I've been especially high strung. I've
been barking all the time, I've been snapping
at people and I even bit one of the
neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has
been happening. My owner says he can't
risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great
Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is
this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she
was walking around the house naked when
she suddenly bent down to pick up
something she dropped. She was bent over
and naked when nature took over and the
next thing I know I'm on top of her doing
the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought
you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to
get my nails trimmed."

[ZR]

Nails trimmed, LOL>

[KIDAGIN]

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Las Vegas Church, I decided to check him out in per-------
son and see what it was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

[ZR]

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[KIDAGIN]

Subject: 1st parachute jump

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did
you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up
in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when
you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to
grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump
then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped,
and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So,
did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I
grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump
Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' "I said, 'No, sir.
I'm too scared.'" "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his
penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking
this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well,
a little, at first..." --------------------

[KIDAGIN]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the
door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the
world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and
into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the
hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he
said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True
Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I
will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.

[Uncle Buck]

2157

[Black Sheep]

golfing

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The
ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several
long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Black Sheep]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a
high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks,
having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

[ZR]

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

[KIDAGIN]

Blonde in church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[KIDAGIN]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?", the young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet", was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[KIDAGIN]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
Sitting on a bench outside the nursing
Home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
Can guess my age!

cid:2.3530374397@web142703.mail.bf1.yahoo.com

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
We can! Just drop your pants and
Undershorts and we can tell your
Exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious
To prove they couldn't do it,
He dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
Around a couple of times and then jump
Up and down several times. Determined
To prove them wrong, he did it. Then they
All said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!'

Standing with his pants down around
His ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
The world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily crowed.....


'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

[KIDAGIN]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away
from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at
her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I
won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[KIDAGIN]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming
and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president
then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for
example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a
witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and
then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,
"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

[ZR]

Oldie but goldie Doug.

[Canadianii]

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..

The boy looks at her incredulously and says:




"Because I'm the fuckin' goal keeper you idiot !!!"

[ZR]

A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.

[Ghost Rider]

^^^yup, that'll do it!

[KIDAGIN]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[KIDAGIN]

A platoon of Canadian troops were marching north of
Khandahar when they came upon a Taliban insurgent
badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite
side of the road, was a Canadian soldier in a similar
but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert. As first aid
was given to both men, the soldier was asked what had
happened. The soldier reported:

"I was heavily armed and moving north along this
highway and coming south was that heavily armed
Taliban insurgent. Seeing each other we both took
cover. I called to him that Osama bin Laden was a
miserable low-life, scumbag, and he yelled back that
Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."

[ZR]

LOL

Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."

[KIDAGIN]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.

[ZR]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[ZR]

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.



Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend

[CON VERT]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my car.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford Mustang Gt with 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching black Wheels. Custom leather seats and OEM mats. Dual bright exhausts polished with rolled tips. DVD with navigation, Adaptive cruise control, 2 cup holders, and ambient lighting. Added special 19 inch Aluminum wheels with Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your car.

[Uncle Buck]

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.



Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend

I hear this from friends all the time Rick. Don't feel bad, they just can't help themselves.
Give my best regards but I'm happily married.

Uncle Buck (Alan, with correct spelling)

[ZR]

You SOB you. LOL

[Ray721]

Two chemist walk into a bar. First one says I'll have some H2O. The second chemist says I'll have some H2O too.

He dies.

[KIDAGIN]

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the
goober driver.
"Sir, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The goober replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had
an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Sir... that's your air freshener."

[KIDAGIN]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek
Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and
notices his Australian accent. Over the course
of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end
of the night he asks her if she wants to have
sex with him. Although she is attracted to him
she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill
is travelling the world and because she is short
of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the
night he asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a
pound - and it was fantastic the night before,
so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the
guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders
a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe
she should pay him more attention. She goes over
and sits next to him. She asks him where he is
from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne."
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he says.
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"you are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from
number 22 - my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 and asked
me to give it to you."

[KIDAGIN]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.

[ZR]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[KIDAGIN]

Prime Minister Day

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said,
"It's Prime Minister Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her,
"What does Prime Minister Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Harper or
one of the past Prime Ministers

She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the
Prime Minister steps out of the House of Commons, and if he sees his shadow,
we have 4 more years of bullshit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

[Black Sheep]

Prime Minister Day

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said,
"It's Prime Minister Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her,
"What does Prime Minister Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Harper or
one of the past Prime Ministers

She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the
Prime Minister steps out of the House of Commons, and if he sees his shadow,
we have 4 more years of bullshit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

:clap2::clap2:

[ZR]

+1 ^^^

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/It%20takes%207%20secs.png (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/It%20takes%207%20secs.png.html)

[CON VERT]

https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/p480x480/10411738_10152872507944518_9064388046704885415_n.j pg?oh=0c041e8bba02dc336fe9a4825c868249&oe=55294EAF

[KIDAGIN]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did
you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up
in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.
About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when
you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to
grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump
then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped,
and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So,
did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I
grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump
Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' "I said, 'No, sir.
I'm too scared.'" "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his
penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking
this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well,
a little, at first..." --------------------

[ZR]

LOL

[KIDAGIN]

A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best
moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the man who mentions it!

[KIDAGIN]

A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

[MUSTANGWOP]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office naked but wrapped completely in clear plastic wrap...
The psychiatrist comes in the room and says " I can clearly see your nuts"

[Crash]

You're A Redneck When...

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.


And in closing....
Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY

[Not4you]

Both proposed methods are not accurate, do we know for sure that TMP has no timing system for the RC?

i lol'd

[Slope]

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

That'll be ZR at DAYTONA this year!

[Slope]

i lol'd

How did you do that!?

[Not4you]

That'll be ZR at DAYTONA this year!

so true.

[Not4you]

How did you do that!?

it was kinda like this ...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdYPxFMhEkE

[Stephen06GT]

Entrance to Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
"I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
"He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
"On seeing he was still alive I found super-human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
"At this point, the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
"I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit a and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says,
"I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replies the man, "picture this, . . . .
I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest . . . "

[ZR]

LOL

[ZR]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--tJU3ZffgFk/USTvWW5XkTI/AAAAAAAAC7s/WqzNpFtqbOw/s1600/finger.jpg

I love that one.

[KIDAGIN]

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[KIDAGIN]

A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter.
The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do
for you?"

The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please."

The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your
bill?"

The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"

[KIDAGIN]

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned
the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I
come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send
me a BLIND policeman!"

[ZR]

http://static.mengniang.org/common/thumb/6/6a/I_dont_need_sex.jpg/400px-I_dont_need_sex.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"

[KIDAGIN]

The lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.
When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day. Let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done - very good news indeed! You've just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary.”

[tulowd]

Not driving your car to keep the mileage low is like saving your wife for the next guy

[Styrofoam04]

^^^ Haha I like that

[Not4you]

http://images1.tickld.com/live/1139420.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

High School Reunion
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are
sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up
and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 50 years ago he proposed
to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

[ZR]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

[KIDAGIN]

LOL

[KIDAGIN]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.
He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds,
and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds,
he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level,
he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level,
expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.
He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[ZR]

YIKES ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[baddbullitt]

A man and a woman are having sex in a dark forest.

After 15 minutes the days " Damn I wish I had a flashlight "

The woman replies "so do I, you've been eating grass for the last 10 minutes!"

[KIDAGIN]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old grandson out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his grandson.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their grandson for his weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little boy anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pa-Pa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing pinko Trudeau lover, dumb bastard, dip shit, shitf for brains or dickhead anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[KIDAGIN]

Two gays, Fred and Bruce, are golfing when Fred gets clobbered in the
head with a ball hit by a guy playing behind them.

Bruce says, "You should go say something to that man."

Fred replies, "No, I'll just let it slide for now."

"Well, if it happens again, fall down like you're really hurt." A couple of

holes later Fred gets beaned again. This time he takes a dive into the
grass.

Bruce swishes over to the guy and says, "You hit my friend in the head with

a golf ball. We're going to sue you."

The guy glares at Bruce and says, "Oh, blow me!"

Bruce breaks into a big smile and shouts back at Fred, "Hey, Fred,
he wants to settle out of court!"

[ZR]

Oh dear.

[KIDAGIN]

A father walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter, he starts panicking , shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee
bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to
squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
hands the coin to the father and walks back to her
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the
woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue Canada."

[KIDAGIN]

A 70 year old man is sitting on a park bench shaking and sobbing. a
young man walks by and asks what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
explains that he is married to a beautiful 22 year old woman. He further
explains that they make love every morning before she leaves for work
and that she returns home every day at lunch time and makes love with
him again. Then on her afternoon break she runs home to give him oral
sex. After work she comes in and prepares his favorite meals and that is
followed by passionate love makeing. At this point the old man is unable
to speak and just hangs his head and cries. The young man puts his arm
around his shoulder "I don" understand. It sounds like you have the
perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man takes a deep
breath and looks at the young man and through his tears says " I forgot
where I live!!"

[Stephen06GT]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. The priest casually asked the rabbi, "have you ever eaten pork?" the rabbi said well yes just once I succumbed to the temptation and ate a bacon sandwich. The priest nodded and understood and was quiet. Shortly later the rabbi asked the priest "have you ever been tempted to not be celibate?" the priest said well yes just once I succumbed to the temptation and had sex with a woman. The rabbi just nodded and understood, and a few seconds later he turned to the priest and said "well that sure beats the hell of eating a bacon sandwich."

[ZR]

^^ LOL

[KIDAGIN]

Subject: Problems Remembering

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start
writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV,
the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He
replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can
remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied,
"Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so
you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I
can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes
he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it
down! You forgot my toast!"

[KIDAGIN]

Pentagon Incentive

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals
and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised
any general who retired right away, his full annual
benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line along the retiring general's body between two points
he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his
toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip
of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000. Meantime, the first general
had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my
penis to the tip of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better
get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical
Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em...
he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the
tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My
God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

[Styrofoam04]

http://i.imgur.com/9WPWtvD.jpg

[ZR]

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy0yNmZlYTc0NWIxODAzN2Y3.png

[KIDAGIN]

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning,
just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.

Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on,
even with the bridge.

Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge,
stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge,
looked up..... TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS,
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"
he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

[ZR]

Good grief, now dat was funny.

[KIDAGIN]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a very large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog chow diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with the Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Stephen06GT]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger says: "Stevie, How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf game?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and try not to think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I have my caddy stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I have my caddy lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head near the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."

[KIDAGIN]

^^^lol

[KIDAGIN]

A woman and a baby were in one of my partner's examining room, (he was called away for an emergency C-section) waiting to complete the baby's first exam. I arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she told me. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' I instructed and she complied. I performed a detailed examination by pinching her nipples, pressing, kneading, and rubbing both breasts to see if I could induce her to lactate, but to no avail. So I told her she could get dressed, and I said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

[KIDAGIN]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[KIDAGIN]

A re post but a good one.

A Kentucky Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might consider getting it cleaned..... They’re all black."

[Windjammer]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't, Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".

[Ray721]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis breaks free from his pants, reaches over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

[Old Fart]

^^^LMAO

[Slope]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis breaks free from his pants, reaches over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

F*ckin' rights Roy! That's how ya do it!!!

LMAO.

[tulowd]

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy0yNmZlYTc0NWIxODAzN2Y3.png


and an appropriate response:

http://i1245.photobucket.com/albums/gg582/tulowd/Miscellaneous%20Stuff/1781997_10153101674700833_3506827780649747891_n_zp s029moipc.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

A gentleman reported the following:
"I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead.
To top it off, it was snowing so I couldn't go for a walk, or run.
The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remember that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

[Black Sheep]

hey, i'm gonna try that tonight. second thought, maybe not,,, i may not like her.

[90LXCoupe]

What do you call a gathering of 100 midgets?













A little get together!

[Canadianii]

World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Sandy,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Sandy." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Olivia's and brought her home with me. I do n't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on your couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Sandy? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.< /P>

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so inco mplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Sandy, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Kim, that single mom we met at the Little League field a few years ago? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few beers and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our bedroom. And this chick is a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden , she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Sandy ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Lee's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Sandy, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Lee's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Sandy. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Wayne

[Ray721]

World's Best Divorce Letter

Dear Sandy,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Sandy." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Olivia's and brought her home with me. I do n't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on your couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Sandy? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.< /P>

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so inco mplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Sandy, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Kim, that single mom we met at the Little League field a few years ago? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few beers and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our bedroom. And this chick is a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden , she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Sandy ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Lee's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Sandy, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Lee's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Sandy. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Wayne

LOL Cinnamon ring. [emoji1]

[Stephen06GT]

Flawless MALE LOGIC:

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. (This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[KIDAGIN]

^^^Good one Stephen

[KIDAGIN]

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell
it, and order from there." The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it
to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep,
and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, who's the cook. The Next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it,
and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." The waiter thinks the blind guy is fucking with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,
"Mary, rub this fork on your snatch." She does it, and then he goes out and
hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Mary worked here."

[KIDAGIN]

A Mennonite woman was driving her buggy to St. Jacob’s when an OPP traffic officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."
"I thank thee," replied the Mennonite lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Mennonite lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately.
"Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[allicedout]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"

A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"

"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?"

"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"

"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?

[allicedout]

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 an hour. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs..

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with methree nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...

1.
Death

2.
Taxes

3.
Being screwed by a lawyer

[allicedout]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it's the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again..

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies.. 'Good! In that case would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[KIDAGIN]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.
He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds,
and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds,
he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level,
he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level,
expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.
He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[ZR]

Well that didn't turn out well, yikes!!!

[KIDAGIN]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Port Charlotte ..
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[70XR7]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Port Charlotte ..
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
That's it!
I'm changing my name!

[ZR]

LOL

[ZR]

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob!

Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse? A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob. A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q: Why did the woman smile when she walked down the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

[ZR]

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?" So they get to the motel and go into the room. Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard. Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

[KIDAGIN]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w

[ZR]

OMG that is funny.

[ZR]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."