Post up Good Jokes!

[ZR]

Last Saturday afternoon, in Ottawa an aide to PM Justin Trudeau visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Ottawa. He told the Cardinal that PM Justin Trudeau would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Trudeau to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Trudeau a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Trudeau's views.”







Trudeau's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Trudeau as a saint."




The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."




As Trudeau's aide promised, Trudeau appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Trudeau was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While PM Trudeau's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Justin Trudeau is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Justin Trudeau is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. He also has a reputation for shirking his MP obligations, both In Ottawa and in Quebec. The man is simply not to be trusted."





The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Kathleen Wynne, Trudeau is a saint."

[SVOMACH1]

Diary of a Snow Shoveller



December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again! What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man - I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of stupid snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/90/5c/6d/905c6d3220c9b3dac57e7cbb1195e970.jpg

[Mellow Yellow]

Likely a rerun.....but I like it!



The Wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."


The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "


I love this part.......




"Only when he's been drinking."

[mavrrrick]

^^^^^ omg^^^^

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[ZR]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4

[mavrrrick]

^^^^ one class act he was!!!

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[CDNfyrfytr]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161225/e09bc726d8a8302b95d97c482bd1177b.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ZR]

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

[Mellow Yellow]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets
call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in
the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a
typical Scottish baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average
up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland
baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender
says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby,
That weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's
been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What Happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker whisky,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."


God Bless The Scots!

[js197]

I am 31 years old and going bald. I dont know how this happened. I asked my wife what I should do about it to look better.

She says start exercising and get in shape cause right now you are a -3 (fat and bald). at least if you were just bald (-1) you wouldnt look so bad..

turns out bald is -1
fat is -1

but somehow fat and bald = -3 according to my thin blond wife..

however if I had a nicer car I could bump it right back up to a solid 2.

if i take her back to disney I might hit a 3 and if I learn how to be a nicer person and keep being a good husband and father I might one day be a 4.

true story..


Sounds like too much work Im just going just get the car..

https://media.giphy.com/media/sXvlUV184hl4Y/giphy.gif

[92redragtop]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,

"I am in the toilet. Please advise..

[WTF]

A 76-year-old Hamilton man has been arrested after allegedly asking a young boy to engage in sexual activity inside a YMCA change room.

Police say on March 7, a young boy was approached by a man inside a YMCA change room at 79 James St. South in Hamilton.

The boy, who is under the age of 16, was asked by a man if he wanted to engage in sexual activity.

The alleged incident happened between the hours of 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

The YMCA immediately suspended the male’s membership when the incident was reported to police.

Bonar Hunter, 76, was arrested on March 22 and is charged with invitation to sexual touching.

The Hamilton Police Service believes that there may be more victims who have had contact with Bonar Hunter. Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Harold Harris at 905-540-6253.

[mavrrrick]

Liberal government.

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[Old Fart]

Hard to laugh at that one...


A 76-year-old Hamilton man has been arrested after allegedly asking a young boy to engage in sexual activity inside a YMCA change room.

Police say on March 7, a young boy was approached by a man inside a YMCA change room at 79 James St. South in Hamilton.

The boy, who is under the age of 16, was asked by a man if he wanted to engage in sexual activity.

The alleged incident happened between the hours of 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

The YMCA immediately suspended the male’s membership when the incident was reported to police.

Bonar Hunter, 76, was arrested on March 22 and is charged with invitation to sexual touching.

The Hamilton Police Service believes that there may be more victims who have had contact with Bonar Hunter. Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Harold Harris at 905-540-6253.

[RedSN]

Did the police actually check his ID? or birth certificate?
That sounds like a prank call name

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/8e/03/8d/8e038d1f0da6979ba1686128aa471c88.jpg

I actually had to verify the story myself.
http://www.chch.com/hamilton-man-facing-sex-charge-incident-ymca/

[Mellow Yellow]

An Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of her wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Truly fantastic!" At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"

[ZR]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?

[ZR]

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"

[ZR]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, �That�s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, �Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client ?

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1856034&thumb=1&d=1499688875

[ZR]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

[ZR]

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

[ZR]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half
wild,
fertile & naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe; well developed and open to

trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a
warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war,
doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of

business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open
to
meeting new people.

After 70, she's like Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and
the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual
knowledge.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 17 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of
nuts.
That's the end today's geography lesson.

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1858626&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1501453846

[ZR]

https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/20479475_794177780754709_6000746795331248884_n.jpg ?oh=aebf237867f8e7e9df229ede9b2223e2&oe=5A01BA3A

[ZR]

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I an the most important body part.”

THE HANDS SAID – “Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I am the most important.”

Of course, everyone got into the arguments and the heart, lungs, and ears all say the same thing.

Finally, the ASSHOLE spoke up and pointed that he was the most important even though the others didn’t know it. All the others laughed and laughed to think of an ASSHOLE as being the boss.

The ASSHOLE decided to prove the point and refused to function. Blocked up tight.

Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

They All pleaded with the ASSHOLE to relent and agreed that the ASSHOLE was the most important part of the body and so it happened.



The MORAL of the story is that the ASSHOLE always ends up being the boss http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/images/smilies/grgrin.gif

[RedSN]

http://imgur.com/MgwnIwR.jpg

[Blackmare]

"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?
"Because your Mother loves roses."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem B.J."

[ZR]

Can't believe how many peeps missed punch line this one n pm'd asking why I posted it. LOL

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1858626&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1501453846

[ZR]

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[ZR]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajq8eag4Mvc

[ZR]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and
that the cord is easier
for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery
safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a
window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/E9xyu1502063080/4IPhr1502063080.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/jz3VK1501798017/CW7nG1501798017.jpg

[Stephen06GT]

http://p3s197.com/forums/index.php?attachments/fb_img_1504097235737-jpg.10077/

[TheMustangShow]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=58&v=K6iT2GIXRIs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=58&v=K6iT2GIXRIs

LOL BJ!

[ZR]

What do boobs and toys have in common?They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

[ZR]

A farmer in Wisconsin stopped by his local garage to have his truck fixed.

The mechanic couldn't do the job while he waited, so the farmer said he didn't live far away and would just walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and bought a couple of live chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he realised he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who said she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm's very close to that address. I'd be very happy to walk you there ... but as you can see I've got my hands full and I can't carry all this stuff."

The old lady then suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket; carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm; and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why didn't I think of that?" said the farmer. "Thank you very much, ma'am."

He then proceeded to walk the old girl back to her home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take a short cut I know and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked at him cautiously, then said, "You must remember I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your wicked way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy Smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Well, put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the tin of paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[ZR]

A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

Husband: 'Definitely not!'

Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

Husband: 'Of course I do.'

Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)

Husband: Groans

Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'

Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'

Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'

Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'


Wife: - silence -



Husband: ' . . . Oh Shit.' - - http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/images/smilies/wall.gif

[ZR]

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1886170&thumb=1&d=1509402792

[ZR]

A little boy and his dad were walking thru the drug store and when they got to the counter there was a display of condoms.
The little boy said “ daddy what are those for?”
The dad said “those are for having safe sex.
The little boy keeps on looking at the display of condoms and then said “
Daddy this one has two of them in the box what’s that for?”
The Dad said those ones are for high school boys, one for Friday night and one for Saturday night.”
The little boy said well this one has four in the box who are they for?”
The dad said those are for college boys, two for Friday night and two for Saturday night.”
The little boy said “well this one has twelve in the box, who are they for?”
The dad said “those are for married men,

One for January, one for February, one for March !!!!!!!””””

[ZR]

A little boy and his dad were walking thru the park and the little boy sees 2 dogs going at "IT",
the little boy said “ daddy what are those 2 dogs doing over there?”
The dad said “ they are making puppies”
The little boy said O.K.
Later that night the little boy walks into mom and dads room and they are going at "IT".
The little boy said “ daddy what are you and mommy doing?”
The dad said “ we are trying to make you a little brother or sister”
The Little Boy said “ roll her over I would rather have a puppy!!!!!!!”

[ZR]

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/24166/roses-are-rednuts-are-brownskirts-go-up)

[92redragtop]

9915

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9916

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9917

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9918

[92redragtop]

9976

[ZR]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[ZR]

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

[ZR]

Bet Trump would love this one.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1889834&thumb=1&d=1510099653

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1889842&thumb=1&d=1510099670

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1889826&d=1510099639

[ZR]

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.

[92redragtop]

Not really a joke but funny news story (ie. Dumb People Town)


http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article178565426.html

He recognized the robber and asked 'Is that you?' The man replied 'No, it's not me,' police say

BY DONOVAN HARRELL
OCTOBER 12, 2017 6:23 PM

Dressed in black clothes and wearing a black ski mask, the man entered the Baton Rouge, Louisiana KFC. He pointed a gun at the employees and demanded money.

Employees emptied the cash registers and gave the man the $612 inside. But two employees noticed something familiar about the robber’s voice and facial features “visible through the holes” in his ski mask.

“Cleveland, is that you?” one of the employees asked, according to East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff's police records of the Oct. 3 incident.

“No, it’s not me” Cleveland Willis, 28, the suspected robber replied, according to police records.

Willis worked for the KFC for “several months” with the same coworkers he’s suspected of robbing. He was also seen seen driving away from the crime scene in a silver Nissan Altima, the same car he used to go to work in, according to police records.

Willis faces a charge of armed robbery. Bail hasn’t been set yet.

[92redragtop]

Don’t let people distract from the fact that: 5 ways for man to be completely happy.
1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh
2. Be with a woman who gives you her time
3. Be with a woman who takes care of you
4. Be with a woman who really loves you
5. Finally, make sure these four women don’t know each other! (For your survival)

[ZR]

^ Pure gold.

[ZR]

http://www.hardcoresledder.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1892610&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1510625306

[ZR]

After 7 years of medical training & hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training & money. Shows how one minor mistake can ruin one's career.
He was a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

[RedSN]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!"
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"
then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[RedSN]

http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2011/april/images/golfer.jpg
Meet Walter Barnes
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply;



"I outlived all them assholes."
Then he calmly returned to his seat.

[Ponyryd]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,

'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

[ZR]

Red neck jokes.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

[Mellow Yellow]

In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:
1. Legalized gay marriage.
2. Legalized marijuana.

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[RedSN]

It took me awhile but I finally figured out how things work in this country.


My son was flunking out of college so I told him "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "NO."
I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter".
He said, "YES."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son".
Bill Gates said, "NO."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World bank."
Bill Gates said, "OK."

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO
He said, "NO."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law".
He said, "OK".

That my friends is how things work in this country.

[Stephen06GT]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[ZR]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . And nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip twit.

[ZR]

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

[mavrrrick]

Did ya hear in the news about the two guys that got busted for stealing a calendar from the corner store?

They got six months each!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ponyryd]

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:




"Are – my – test – results - back....!"

[mavrrrick]

Why are wedding dresses white??

Has to match the rest of the appliances.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ZR]

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

[ZR]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity
level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
beers,
escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive
rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of
poison
ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoorsman!"

"NAH," he replied, "I'm just a terrible golfer."

[ZR]

http://ontarioconditions.com/forums/uploads/monthly_2018_11/FB_IMG_1541117788835.thumb.jpg.65d12d79dd9d9446a8c e7bb78efa777d.jpg

[ZR]

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

[ZR]

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
One Thanksgiving day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
 “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[ZR]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.

[ZR]

My wife said she want's something that will go 0-180 in under 4 seconds...........I got her a bathroom scale.

[Scrape]

http://couplejokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/have-faith.jpg

[Scrape]

http://couplejokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/nun-fantasy.jpg

[Scrape]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-UFoqOh0Y1S8/XAXgDmLhMlI/AAAAAAAAGLU/cQ6xlPKsyt8clzFuTb5hxxx1Q88rV1nmQCJoC/w530-h351-n/gplus703787265.jpg

[Scrape]

http://couplejokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/personal-question-to-woman.jpg

[CON VERT]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48397191_2125195397566326_4549946649526403072_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-1.fna&oh=7d985b4f73be3b578ee7fbb7a828d0ca&oe=5CA83826

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48421962_2125222947563571_3946080393807003648_n.jp g?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-2.fna&oh=56179dad4a862189e3e7a82f060a5a06&oe=5CD28443

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48361889_2042865489090543_6504208622346567680_n.jp g?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-2.fna&oh=811f1d9787ef537a6c47ed056d5598a5&oe=5CA1103C

[Black Sheep]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Montana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48388028_1751538948279169_663696859549663232_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=100&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-1.fna&oh=f69bda0c8e353c0979c1645fadd05cee&oe=5C97F35B

[mavrrrick]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still f$$kin celebrating!!! :):):)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[88 hatchback]

losing my virginity was a lot like learning to ride a bicycle.....
I was 9, and my dad was holding me from behind.

[Chinga]

How Adam Got Eve

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!
"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[Mellow Yellow]

15890

[ZR]

Oh snap!!
LOL

[Chinga]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49674015_2162917797127419_8712985216051838976_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-1.fna&oh=d5ad7edd4c9837388a5f0962b974c122&oe=5CB33BBB

[Stephen06GT]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[Spock]

A Stompin Tom joke....

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?
So they both can watch the Hockey game!

[Chinga]

A nearby Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"��

[trickflow-jay]

whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral???

one less drunk.

[CON VERT]

https://scontent.fybz2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11007723_10152805604214751_5100548352424133186_n.j pg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fybz2-1.fna&oh=1f51227d199d0db727ff2823f0980f4a&oe=5CCB365D

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/NfprXC02/f383efd6d46ea86746634e397c78e2e6270904f8e5eb0b0c53 49eea0ac1bd464.jpg

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/MHwFf4fM/89775080-10157902003344220-8787849068706529280-n.jpg

[ZR]

<b style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman',serif">Missing wife




Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!


</b>

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/RFbnW9Vv/92132800-10157994226534220-6596593776905420800-n.jpg

[ZR]

Fourth Place;

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

His elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over..

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-bird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal

[Ponyryd]

A dude moves into a small town and is riding down main st scoping chicks with His new best friend when he see's this yummy little blonde chick with big tits and says hey, hey check that out! His new buddy grew up in the small town and knows everyone, tells him don't mess with her, that's the sheriff's daughter. The new guy in town says , oh ah OK then.

The two get down the road a little further and the new guy see's a little brunette chick and says, hey, hey man! Check that out! The brunette, check her out! The kid that knows everyone say's don't mess with her either! The new guy says let me guess, she's the mayors daughter? The kid that grew up in the small town says, no everyone says she's got a dick. The new guy in town says, man there ain't no fucking way, I'm gonna ask her out and find out!

So the new guy in town figures he'll take her out in the woods in his Jeep, drink some beers and sooner or later she'll have to go to the bathroom and he will find out! So he asks her out, she says yes and they're out in the woods in his Jeep drinking some beers and sure enough she finally says she's gotta use the bathroom! The new guy in town tells her, hell we're out in the middle of the woods, just get out and go to the bathroom, nobody will see you. She says, are you sure? He says yes I'm sure, so she walks around to the back of the Jeep and squats down and he sneaks around to the front of the Jeep and is looking underneath the Jeep and see's something hanging between her legs, so he runs around the back of the Jeep and grabs it! She looks at him and says, you know I wouldn't have went out with you if I knew you were a pervert!. He says I wouldn't have gotten out of the Jeep if I knew you were taking a shit!

[Chinga]

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[RedSN]

^^^those HD electric fencers are no joke.

My father used to have 100 +/- head of cattle. Had a water trough in one of the pastures near the barn that was kept full with a float valve. Now, cattle are assholes by nature you see, and like to lick and mess with the float valve, and ultimately break them. So my father would place the water trough straddling the electric fence so the end where the float valve was located was out of reach of the cattle.

One day, my father and I are cleaning the algae out of the water trough, when my elbow brushes up against the fence. I go numb, spin, and fall into the trough. Hurt like hell! And now I’m soaking wet. My father is laughing his ass off! Finally, he lends me a hand to help me out. But then his leg touches the fence by mistake. Keep in mind I am soaked, sitting in a metal trough, and well grounded now. We both got a shock of our life!

I can still hear the sound of that *snap*.

[MUSTANGWOP]

^^^those HD electric fencers are no joke.

My father used to have 100 +/- head of cattle. Had a water trough in one of the pastures near the barn that was kept full with a float valve. Now, cattle are assholes by nature you see, and like to lick and mess with the float valve, and ultimately break them. So my father would place the water trough straddling the electric fence so the end where the float valve was located was out of reach of the cattle.

One day, my father and I are cleaning the algae out of the water trough, when my elbow brushes up against the fence. I go numb, spin, and fall into the trough. Hurt like hell! And now I’m soaking wet. My father is laughing his ass off! Finally, he lends me a hand to help me out. But then his leg touches the fence by mistake. Keep in mind I am soaked, sitting in a metal trough, and well grounded now. We both got a shock of our life!

I can still hear the sound of that *snap*.

That's right up there with Jumpy's squirrel story :)

[ZR]

^ Jumpys story = classic

[Mustang4]

That's right up there with Jumpy's squirrel story :)
Chipmunks I think, but still funny as hell.

It would make a good repost if it can be found.

[Spock]

A quote from the story of Enron Bankruptcy ...Working for Enron is like having your hair on fire & the only thing you have to put it out is a hammer!

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/hP9rL2R9/106753113-10158299231169220-2784186110459712631-n.jpg

[ChristenHoer]

https://www.canadianbucketlist.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/welcome-to-canada.jpg

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/48/c8/42/48c842533a4295c69ad4b33f168e8258.jpg

[Chinga]

I just saw that a Hollyweird actress stabbed her hubby 9 times this morning killing him, the World is going nuts. Reese something or other but I didn't catch the last name.

[Old Fart]

I was watching one of those cooking shows, this one was from Australia. "The Great Australian Bake Off" or something. So they are making pies, and this one lady made meringue, and the audience lost their collective minds, cheering and clapping.

Struck me as odd, I always thought Australians boo meringue.

[Old Fart]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 including tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[Old Fart]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Old Fart]

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding,and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Old Fart]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and
pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Old Fart]

2 buddies were fishing when a funeral procession drives over a bridge nearby.
The one stands respectfully and places his cap over his heart.
The other was moved by his buddy's display and said "well that was a nice way to pay your respects."
His buddy said " It was the least I could do-I was married to her for 30 years..."

[Old Fart]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[Old Fart]

Late Night Vet Call..



Even though her dog was in heat, she agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two
dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful
howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and
although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered
in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he
will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

[Old Fart]

While visiting an upscale girls school, Sir Douglas Bader (RAF flying ace) was telling a story.

"So there were two of the F***ers behind me, three F***ers to my right, another F***er to the left....."

The head mistress went pale and interjected, "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft."

Sir Douglas replied, "That may be madam, but these F***ers were in Messerschmitts!"

[Old Fart]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[Old Fart]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Old Fart]

The following quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer) Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.


This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/VsJW3J2p/download-76.png

[5.4MarkVIII]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Mellow Yellow]

A couple on a trip to Mexico decide to eat at an upscale restaurant after a round of golf. While perusing the menu the guy notices one of the patrons at the adjoining table enjoying a plate of meatballs smothered in salsa and topped off with melted cheese.
"That looks delicious!' he exclaims to the waiter, 'What is it?" "Si Senor, that is our house specialty, called 'Cajones del Toro'."
"I'll have that", he says. "Sorry, senor, but that is only available on holidays after the bull fight. You would need to make a reservation. The next opening is a week from today." "Well, put me down for a table next week", he says.
A week later they show up on time, hungry after a long afternoon on the course. He orders the specialty and, after enjoying the first few bites, calls the waiter over. "My god, this is outrageously delicious! A little rubbery in texture, but excellent indeed. But I must say, these meatballs are considerably smaller than the ones I saw being served last week"
"Oh, but Senor, sometimes the bull wins!"

[Mellow Yellow]

One fine day in Ireland a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across a little guy with a huge bump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness', says the golfer, and revives the poor little guy. Upon awakening the little guy says, Well you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I wil grant you three wishes. I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad i didn't hurt you too badly says the guy and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says Well he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me, so i have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that i would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.
A year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course on the number 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says I'm fine. And might i ask how your golf game is ?
It's great ! I hit under par every time.'
'I did that for you. And might i ask how your money is holding out ?
'Thats the amazing thing, everytime i put my hand in my pocket I pull out a hundred dollar note.'
'I did that for you. And might i ask how your sex life is?
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, Well maybe once or twice a week.'
Floored the leprechaun stammers, 'Only once or twice a week ?
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.��������️*♂️��️*♂️��️*♀️��️*♀️⛳⛳������

[Mellow Yellow]

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense that she decides to return to the club house.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks,' 'Why are you back in so early ? What's wrong ?
' I was stung by a bee.'
' Where?' he asks.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, ' Apparently your stance is too wide.'

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/pVhPHqkR/download-16.png

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/SsbG5M4B/download-23.png

[Old Fart]

After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer." A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

[Old Fart]

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE....

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake,"

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

[Mellow Yellow]

A couple who met at their local Golf Club both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Old Fart]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him if he doesn't reveal where the money is I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Mellow Yellow]

22118

[Mellow Yellow]

22121

[Old Fart]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!

[Old Fart]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/0yXryvJy/tumblr-d9a76cd795cd2086f9c352881a35892f-a187c71e-1280.jpg

[Mellow Yellow]

22164

[Old Fart]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Canadian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife four times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Old Fart]

A few months ago, there was a job opening with the CIA as a secret "hit man". These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants trough the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the job. The CIA men took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained, "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man, horrified, said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

They bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. Go through the same spiel. The second man looked shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried but, I couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun, same spiel.

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed, the CIA heard the gun firing. One shot after another. Then all hell broke loose in the room-- screaming, crashing, banging on the walls for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened. The third man wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair!

[Chinga]

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said.

'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.

The Marine pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.’

The Air Force pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

He replied, 'These are Carols.' And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...….

[Old Fart]

A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look down at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ram."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Old Fart]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife...


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my panty-hose.' He removed them gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Old Fart]

My wife found a big cockroach in the kitchen yesterday. She took all the dishes out of all the cabinets and scrubbed them and repapered them. Same with the fridge, emptied it and scrubbed it. Scrubbed the floors and rewashed all the dishes and silverware.
Next week I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom...

[js197]

By 2030 you will own no house, you will own no Mustang. You will be happy about it because I told you to be.

Fearless Leader - Mrs. Justina T.

[Ponyryd]

By 2030 you will own no house, you will own no Mustang. You will be happy about it because I told you to be.

Fearless Leader - Mrs. Justina T.

Sounds like nonsense to me...

[Old Fart]

Good Night’s Sleep

We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

[Old Fart]

An X-Files Christmas

24. December 1999 - 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania - 11:51P.M.

Scully, we're too late. It's already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here, It's fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal!

There's a note attached: "gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's legend, Mulder, a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide; nothing could get through there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. ...Scully, I've never told anyone this but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head.

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out they'll close the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no proof.

Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a bogey in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a condition red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.

They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.. They'll do what ever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder...

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.

The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter....

[Mellow Yellow]

22517

[Old Fart]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this, "and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... (dramatic pause toprepare for the punch line....)

It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[ZR]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/DwWC4qZ5/download-32.png

[92redragtop]

22721

[Mellow Yellow]

22727

[Old Fart]

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/MH5fVqvC/download-12.png

[92redragtop]

22780

[92redragtop]

2 Men died same day and became Ghosts. And this Conversation ensued between them

Ghost 1 : How did you even die?
Ghost2 : I was mistakenly locked up in a freezer. At first I was freezing and then I couldn't breathe and died.
Ghost 1 : Oh! What a sad way to die!
Ghost 2 : Yeah. How did you die?
Ghost 1 : I died of heart attack. I came back from work and saw a man's pair of shoe at my doorsteps. I rushed into the room and saw my wife naked alone on the bed. I searched everywhere including the kitchen, all the other bedrooms, I mean everywhere but I couldn't find the man! I just sat on the floor and suddenly developed a heart attack and died.
Ghost 2 : Did you check the refrigerator?
Ghost 1 : No
Ghost 2 : Idiot! You should have checked the refrigerator and both of us would have been alive by now.

[Ponyryd]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/9fM1KL67/Capture.jpg

[The Newmare]

cow farts come from the dairy air......

[Old Fart]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aww4HT5g7ig

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/h4xhvCr8/turnerbrown.jpg

[Mellow Yellow]

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[Mellow Yellow]

23305

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/Hk2ktQsS/download-3-sfguyh.png

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/kGkKXbpm/125096866-10215083781848268-5470343290081044738-n.jpg

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/FFV8bg5d/144373796-425880975524825-5333375613472686439-o.jpg

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/ZnHQTZFF/125204343-3847871058565188-1229408158199238137-n.jpg

[Ponyryd]

https://i.postimg.cc/FFV8bg5d/144373796-425880975524825-5333375613472686439-o.jpg

Shoulda also got 4 for driving too slow.

[The Newmare]

strange thing happened to me yesterday,first i found a hat full of money then some strange guy with a guitar started to chase me?

[Mellow Yellow]

23612

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/dQjDPfB9/Untitled.png

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/7hFCRRzz/download.webp

[Old Fart]

A cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Five! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you five days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[Old Fart]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/MGqTRgQ3/174619542-5241595475914732-1718172780479376702-n.jpg

[mavrrrick]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210503/3e734c80fe787cbce99206df1e746b62.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Old Fart]

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT




On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.


On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background

music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been
worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home
... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!





I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/15ChThsf/Gator-mil.jpg

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/900rDRP2/upload-2021-5-6-14-31-56.png

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/bNd8pDRQ/Meme-wet-paint.png

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/pddhfWfR/download-5.webp

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/ZRNKNSF5/download.webp

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/pTq9DXRv/3.jpg

[Old Fart]

> *After retirement, Mr Ashutosh Nath aged about 60 married a young 25 year old woman* .....
>
> Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
>
> *“I'm eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”*
>
> His friends advised him : *Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person*.
>
> *Mr. Nath promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant*
>
> Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, : *“How is your wife now*?”
>
> *Mr Nath* : "She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and infact *she is pregnant*"
>
> The friends laughed, as they expected this. *And how is the tenant?*” they asked.
>
> Nath replied very soberly *“She is also pregnant* .,.”
>
> *Never underestimate a Senior Citizen*

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[mavrrrick]

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

KDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck"!!!


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[Chinga]

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiWF0dDUVhE

[Chinga]

A husband returns home after a day at work and explains to his wife that he was laid off and the plant is permanently closing.

Wife: "What are we going to do now? We have all these bills and no way to pay them."

After some back and forth they come to the conclusion that the wife will have to "work" the streets for money.

The next night the couple hits the streets for the first time. Prior to dropping her off he tells her they will set prices based on what the "John" wants and she should consult him before moving forward.

He drops her off and heads over to a nearby parking lot where he will watch out for her. Not long after a car pulls up and the "John" asks her "How much for oral sex?"

She replies "Give me one minute and I will go and check" She runs over to the car where the husband is to discuss.

Wife: "This guy wants to know how much for oral?"

Husband: Tells her "$100.00" so she runs back to the "John"

Wife: Tells the John "It's $100.00 for oral"

John: "That is too much money and I was thinking $60.00"

Wife: "Nope, it's $100.00"

John: "Well how much for intercourse?

Wife: "Give me one minute and I will go and check" Once again she runs over to the car where the husband is to discuss.

Wife: "Now he wants to know how much it is for intercourse?"

Husband: "Intercourse is going to be $200.00" and again she runs back to the John.

Wife: "He says it's going to be $200.00"

John: "That is too much money"

Wife: "Well how much money do you have?"

John: "I only have $100.00 but I assure you that you will have the best sex ever"

Wife: "Oh yeah. How so?"

John: "Let me show you" He proceeds to lean back in his seat to unzip to reveal the largest male organ she has ever seen.

Wife: "OMG. Give me a minute and I'll be right back." Again she runs to back to her husband.

Husband: "Well what did he say?"

Wife: "I need to borrow $100.00"

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[mavrrrick]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today." [emoji23] [emoji23]


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[Zee]

Did you guys hear about the guy who stole an electric car?

He was charged with Battery.



.. I'll see my way out

[Old Fart]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an older gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old driver answered, "Let me tell you something, lady. I wasn't staring at you like you think; that would not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobies or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "well..... Ma'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking to myself, where in the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!

[ZR]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times​

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. I am indebted to you! Are you a doctor?".

"No," the woman replied. ....... "Divorce Attorney".

[ZR]

Yikes!!! LOL

[Zippy]

Do you guys know why the DECH doesn't have Traction control?
It doesn't have enough power to need it.

:spitcoffee::spitcoffee::spitcoffee::spitcoffee:

[Old Fart]

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.​

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grand children! And you told her she was pregnant?”

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

[92redragtop]

27560

[mavrrrick]

^^^lmfao!!!^^^


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[Old Fart]

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[ZR]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/3-16.jpg

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the HELL out of my cab!"
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the hell out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to the airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn't recognize him and he asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
The driver responds, "$15".
The guy hands him $15 and says "Great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!

[Old Fart]

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.​ Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best place to take the graft from. The surgeon agrees and after 5 grueling hours of surgery the operation is a complete success.

When the woman wakes up and sees the result, she is so overwhelmed that she says 'I can never thank you enough for this. I will do whatever you want by way of thanks'.

The husband smiles and says, 'We've been married for 25 years and there's nothing you can give me that you haven't already. Besides, when your mother kisses your cheek, that'll be all the thanks I'll ever need'.

[Old Fart]

Long time friends Sylvia & Wanda meet up in Heaven!!
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?...
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[Old Fart]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 a.m. in the morning and it’s pouring out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

[MUSTANGWOP]

Doctor: During this prostate exam, please try not to get and erection, Dave.
Patient: My name is Steve.
Doctor: Yeah, I know. My name is Dave.

[Old Fart]

One night after a few drinks the police showed up at my front door over a report of suspicious activity. They were told 2 people were sprinting through the neighbourhood and ran into our house and the officer asked if everything was alright.


Gasping for air and unable to explain my wife responded.

He beat me!

I was immediately arrested and hauled to jail

Long story short that was the last time I raced my wife home from the bar and won.

[Old Fart]

A farm kid joins the marines

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Chinga]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father went to a shopping mall for their first ever visit.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your Mother."

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[mavrrrick]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’


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[mavrrrick]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said,"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.


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[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/fyTXzV4g/download.webp

[mavrrrick]

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


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[mavrrrick]

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'


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[Old Fart]

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[Old Fart]

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[Mellow Yellow]

33986

[ZR]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Old Fart]

https://i.postimg.cc/5240pnM4/Svvvdv.jpg

[Chinga]

A group of homeless Mexicans were settling down for the night under an overpass. One of them asked another what his secret to success was as he always had a wad of cash at the end of each day. The successful guy asked the curious guy his technique. He said he has a good intersection, works the busiest hours of the day, looks the part etc. The successful guy says hmmm then it must be your sign, what does it say? It says homeless and hungry, anything helps, thanks and God bless. The successful guys says that sounds reasonable. The curious guy says let me see your sign. He shows him and the sign and it says I only need another $10 to get back to Mexico.

[mavrrrick]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20230628/43be88de9f5169925118680d373b1e95.jpg


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[mavrrrick]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20230725/945dafc37806e389baaa8c430c6be190.jpg


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[Stephen06GT]

36502

[Old Fart]

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