Post up Good Jokes!

[ZR]

http://i.imgur.com/qjdmazp.gif

[ZR]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[ZR]

BOOB IM ICON


Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
Perky Boobs (*)(*)
Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)
A Cups o o
Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o / (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/25733/boob-im-icon-perfect-boobs-oo-fake)

[ZR]

http://memeguy.com/photos/images/my-gf-said-this-to-me-after-i-was-done-manscaping-93951.jpg

[ZR]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UWmd2zsjyjU/UD04hwZDa9I/AAAAAAAAAQQ/yZyobfVm8u8/s1600/man-gets-testicles-trapped-in-deckchair.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried
once more, and this time she had 5 more children. Finally, she passed away herself.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above,
thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandmant to
"Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, the preacher noted,
"Thank you, Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The other mourner replied, "I think he means her legs."

[ZR]

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

[KIDAGIN]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the fuck is Kathleen Wynne?"

[ZR]

OH SNAP..........home run Doug.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4Dls-qB6YZQ/Up8MLi1O3XI/AAAAAAAAUwg/uQxKDUua34o/s640/kathleen+wynne+choppers.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

A platoon of Canadian troops were marching north of
Khandahar when they came upon a Taliban insurgent
badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite
side of the road, was a Canadian soldier in a similar
but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert. As first aid
was given to both men, the soldier was asked what had
happened. The soldier reported:

"I was heavily armed and moving north along this
highway and coming south was that heavily armed
Taliban insurgent. Seeing each other we both took
cover. I called to him that Osama bin Laden was a
miserable low-life, scumbag, and he yelled back that
Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."

[ZR]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[KIDAGIN]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.


He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife,
"Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.


Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.
He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.


Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green,
put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen arsehole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[KIDAGIN]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the
divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you
man and wife.'
___________________________________________


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of
Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used
in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'


___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's there.'

[Intmdtr]

Those are some good ones Doug.

[WTF]

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My girlfriend gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My girlfriend farted and I couldn't brief .

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
When all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by erself.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
My wife and I went to a birthday party and I got a piece of cake and she got herpes too.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BUDWEISER
Hey Homie, your girlfriend has a nice body, budweiser her face so ugly?

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHAIR
I was about to eat a bag of candy, then my mom said... u better chair with your sister!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHEESE
Maria's face is pretty, but cheese too fat!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : SHOULDER
My girlfriend wanted to become a citizen, but she didn't know how to read, so I shoulder

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : TEXAS
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : HARASSMENT
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : BISHOP
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : WHEELCHAIR
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : CHICKEN WING
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY : BODY WASH
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

[Ray721]

Since we're talking Mexico...

Q: How come Mexico does poorly in the summer Olympics?

A: Anybody that can Run, Jump or Swim has already left the country.

[5.4MarkVIII]

We leave for Mexico tomorow am. This will be very handy for our stay

[tulowd]

ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION:



Guts or Balls







There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.





We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.





Do they, however, know the difference between them?





Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.







GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,



and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”









BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,



lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'







I trust this clears up any confusion.





Footnote to page 323: Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

[KIDAGIN]

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I
don't have AIDS."

[ZR]

LOL

[90LXCoupe]

Drinking Decaf coffee is like finding a hooker who only wants to cuddle

[twister]

Drinking Decaf coffee is like finding a hooker who only wants to cuddle

ive payed to cuddle ...

[KIDAGIN]

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized
up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly
Windows 8. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case,
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help
you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm
going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were
thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing
and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I
REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing
harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for
a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he
told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned
and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

[ZR]

http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/30.jpg

[Stephen06GT]

http://p3s197.com/forums/index.php?attachments/fb_img_1431287705272-jpg.9581/

[ZR]

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? (http://www.reddit.com/r/DirtyJokes/comments/2ulai7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/)

<form action="http://www.reddit.com/r/DirtyJokes/comments/2ulai7/did_you_hear_about_the_man_with_5_penises/#" class="usertext" id="form-t3_2ulai7u5l" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; font-size: small;">His pants fit like a glove.


</form>

[ZR]

http://www.suddenlysenior.com/images/3rules330.gif

[CON VERT]

Ain't that the truth ! ^^^^ LOL

[Uncle Buck]

What does furniture disease cause in aging men?

It's when your chest falls into your drawers.

3125

[ZR]

:)

[Stephen06GT]

http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_article/a_585_20140616133710.jpg

[ZR]

Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time... (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/28088/sometimes-when-you-cry--no-one-sees-your-tea)

[90LXCoupe]

I went and saw a shrink today. She said I had a split personality.....charged me $160 bucks.....I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other asshole!

[Uncle Buck]

Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time... (http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/28088/sometimes-when-you-cry--no-one-sees-your-tea)

Sometimes when I fart it makes me cry but it always makes me happy

[Crash]

911 CALL CENTER

A 911 Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Ontario, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, 
"Remain calm and stay on the line."

[ZR]

lol

[ZR]

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

[KIDAGIN]

While boarding a train, a passenger noticed a young woman
tucking a small dog under her sweater, so that she didn't
have to leave it in the guards van.
He was passing by her seat a little later when he noticed
her squirming uneasily
"What's the problem?" he asked her "Is it not housetrained?"
"Worse than that" she replied "It's not been weaned yet"

[KIDAGIN]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter
in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's
shivering and shaking.The other flea asks him, "Why
are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New
Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst
way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey
airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there
look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way
to travel that I can think of."

he first flea thanks the second flea and says he
will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in
Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second
flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you
said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a
few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came
in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I
was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

[ZR]

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

[KIDAGIN]

lol

[KIDAGIN]

http://i658.photobucket.com/albums/uu301/kidagin/Late%20night%20lecture.jpg (http://s658.photobucket.com/user/kidagin/media/Late%20night%20lecture.jpg.html)

[ZR]

OMG thats funny Doug.

[CON VERT]

A rancher lost her husband ,
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired.

[KIDAGIN]

lol

[KIDAGIN]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[ZR]

OMG, funny as hell.

[KIDAGIN]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 of the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

"No, he says indignantly, why the hell you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said,

"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

[KIDAGIN]

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.
When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client,
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news."
"Your wife invested five thousand dollars in two pictures today. She
believes they are worth at least three million."
"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed!
You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"
"The two pictures are of you with your secretary."

[KIDAGIN]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ZR]

Ain't that the truth.

[KIDAGIN]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OtF_mWEcW68/UaaO6KOCuVI/AAAAAAAALfw/8TpLAPkbFLk/s1600/woman3b.jpg
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[Blackmare]

^^Lol

[ZR]

http://itsfunny.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Funny-old-man-joke.jpg

[Uncle Buck]

I needed a good laugh today. Thanks guys.

[ZR]

Got yer back UB.

[KIDAGIN]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says,
"I know dis you fus tyne and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give
you anyting you wan. I do anyting you say you wan.

Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently, for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ..... numba 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries:

"You want .. Shrimp wif Broccori?"

[Black Sheep]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says,
"I know dis you fus tyne and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give
you anyting you wan. I do anyting you say you wan.

Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently, for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ..... numba 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries:

"You want .. Shrimp wif Broccori?"

twocanchew

[KIDAGIN]

Just Married

A young couple had just started their honeymoon. The new husband asked
his new bride how often they were going to have sex now that they were
married.

The new bride, after some thought, answered, "infrequently".

The new husband then asked, "is that one word or two?"

[KIDAGIN]

A penguin was driving through the desert
when his car broke down. He waddled to
the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was
quickly towed to the nearest garage where
the mechanic told him he would need a
couple of hours to check out the car. The
penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't
complain but wandered off to find the
closest supermarket. He proceeded to the
frozen foods section and hung out near the
fish sticks. After an hour he got in the
freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate
several gallons. Then he saw the time and
went back to the garage covered in ice
cream. The mechanic walked over to him
wiping his hands and shaking his head
saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just
ice cream."

[Mellow Yellow]

A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....

[KIDAGIN]

Canadian men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week,
whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

[KIDAGIN]

During Jeannie’s medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you women into all kinds of trouble."

Jeannie immediately starts taking her knickers down.

"No! No!, not that," says the doctor. "Just stick out your tongue!"

[Blackmare]

Lol

[KIDAGIN]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[KIDAGIN]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here. "
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet. "

[ZR]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, ! she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy" She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because! I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes , it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[KIDAGIN]

Good one Rick

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/da/16/4c/da164cf4b6aee8367edc6c1fd721ceb4.jpg

[ZR]

http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/607445/80482847.jpg

[ZR]

http://funstoc.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/funny-dirty-jokes-14-212x300.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while
and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old, sitting across from me, stared at me.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[ZR]

LOL

[ZR]

http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/funny-cartoon-dirty-joke-position-american-taxpayer.jpg

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6c/9d/98/6c9d98d3890c7f6e319b6ccea30e0218.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

I Just Realized Something:
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~
My dog is a Canadian Senator!

[ZR]

^ Ain't' that the truth.

[KIDAGIN]

This makes perfect sense to me ... She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

[KIDAGIN]

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

[KIDAGIN]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds,
then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Anne is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, You need a piece of tail.
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

[Mellow Yellow]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[Mellow Yellow]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Mellow Yellow]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Mellow Yellow]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Mellow Yellow]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[Mellow Yellow]

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Mellow Yellow]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Mellow Yellow]

Phew...on a roll...I'm done!!!


Catch the theme....I'm getting old.

[ZR]

Loved em.

[KIDAGIN]

Still feeling icky and found this on my newsfeed. Yes, it made me laugh out loud.

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[ZR]

Yikes.

[ZR]

http://36.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljtxg4lBpl1qhmia2o1_500.jpg

[ZR]

http://a.wattpad.com/cover/12424208-256-k114950.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.freecodesource.com/picture/i399/pp73/yan2x31/dirty-beach-joke.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my willie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam"

[Canadianii]

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!



My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the fuck I am now...

[ZR]

http://img.humorsharing.com/media/images/1312/i_dirty_jokes_010_52a0505378d01.jpg

[ZR]

http://acidcow.com/pics/20130823/pictures_that_will_tap_into_your_immature_funny_bo ne_22.jpg

[ZR]

http://memeguy.com/photos/images/thought-i-should-post-something-on-my-cakeday-tim-minchin-everybody-80324.jpg

[bluetoy]

Three tomatoes were walking down the street. Papa tomato, Mama tomato, Baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets really angry goes back, squishes him, says ketchup

[KIDAGIN]

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow,
the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff,
by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and,
unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free,
unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 30 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!

[RedSN]

Three tomatoes were walking down the street. Papa tomato, Mama tomato, Baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets really angry goes back, squishes him, says ketchup
http://38.media.tumblr.com/d1408b2497a4d85f3c82c98c39b31129/tumblr_mnji5jXrfp1rfx5eqo1_250.gif

[92redragtop]

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE BLUERIDGE MONTAINS
Two moonshiners walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Peach flavor, Oh Yeah, the best.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table who was eating a sandwich began to cough.

One of the moonshiners, Bill Bob, looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

Bill Bob walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked she had a violent coughing spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth!

As she began to breathe again, Billy Bob walked slowly back to his table. His partner said, "Ya know I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

Morale of the story: Don't choke in a restaurant in the South!

[ZR]

your not kidding.

[ZR]

http://www.crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/dirty-girl-joke-chickens-find-cock.jpg

[ZR]

http://img.humorsharing.com/media/images/1312/i_dirty_jokes_52a05023b6e2e.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions

[ZR]

http://www.dirtybutton.com/media/db1349-family-kidnapped-by-ninjas.jpg

[ZR]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMbM-ERy2Lk

[KIDAGIN]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.

[ZR]

^ lol

[KIDAGIN]

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/Panty%20Hose.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/Panty%20Hose.jpg.html)

[KIDAGIN]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. >> "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. >> Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." >> Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" >> Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[Stephen06GT]

^^ Good one Doug!!

[KIDAGIN]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[55 HD]

Guy goes to the Doctor as he has heard the patch works for many who want to quit smoking. Doc prescribes the patch and says see you in 2 weeks.
Guy returns to Doc, Doc says I'm a little busy right now but sit here and remove the clothing so I can see the patch.
Guy drops his pants, fully exposed,with patch on the end of his dick... sits in the chair waiting for the Doc to return.
Doc walks in and says well never seen that location before........how's it working for ya......


Great "the man says"........never thought about another butt since.

[ZR]

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

[CON VERT]

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.





Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."





"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.


"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."


"But we're privates," says Paddy.


"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe.


"We're Lance Corporals now!" So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.


"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.”





Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."





So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.





Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.


Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"





"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now!"

[ZR]

LOL ^

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/rEl8j1440192827/i5nMA1440192827.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/wVIX41439567419/W7Io41439567419.jpg

[ZR]

This is a must watch, you won't regret it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8273HGqxEc

[Old Fart]

Not bad for an 84 year old!!

[Mustang4]

This is a must watch, you won't regret it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8273HGqxEc

That was worth the watch!!

[KIDAGIN]

The old guy had some humor in him,

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/Fishing%20with%20Sam.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/Fishing%20with%20Sam.jpg.html)

[ZR]

Sam seems so nice, guess wifes a hater.

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/fLbdS1441884691/9JGsS1441884691.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/I2bzF1441892398/LW1Td1441892398.jpg

[KIDAGIN]

I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens...
that's 12 months of training completely wasted!!

[KIDAGIN]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and five children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other four."

[RedSN]

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/realityzone/HattieMacDonald.jpg


Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick

[KIDAGIN]

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg162/niptuck111/Hunter%20shot%20at%20me.jpg (http://s248.photobucket.com/user/niptuck111/media/Hunter%20shot%20at%20me.jpg.html)

[KIDAGIN]

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

[KIDAGIN]

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[KIDAGIN]

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

[KIDAGIN]

A gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties.
He is very well dressed with a great looking suit and a flower in his lapel.
His hair is smartly groomed and he smells slightly of a good aftershave.
Seated at the bar is an elderly, really classy-looking lady.
He picks a stool next to her.
He orders a drink.
He takes a sip.
He slowly turns to her and says:
"So tell me, do I come here often?"

[ZR]

^^ Pure gold Doug.

[KIDAGIN]

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

[KIDAGIN]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[ZR]

Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a reef off a head stone. Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night." The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying you were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department."

[RedSN]

Because I got the punchline wrong and screwed up the joke last wing night....

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[KIDAGIN]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump
out the window.
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

[ZR]

http://www.humorsharing.com/post/post/downloadImage?img=1312/i_dirty_jokes_010_52a0505378d01.jpg

[baddbullitt]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TncdhLGjFTE&feature=youtu.be
https://youtu.be/TncdhLGjFTE

I love this!!! :)

[ZR]

LOL

[RedSN]

Wow, that's as old as my car
....but still funny!

[ZR]

It's all in the mechanics of the conversation:



The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my




boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a




beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."




Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood




and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so




hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of




his exhaust pipe."

[ZR]

http://cdn9.staztic.com/app/a/3223/3223629/jokes-dirty-sex-jokes-3-1-s-307x512.jpg

Yikes!!!

[ZR]

http://www.islandmix.com/backchat/attachments/f6/44204d1152647905-opp-sex-presents-dirty-jokes-image005.jpg

[ZR]

http://img.humorsharing.com/media/images/1312/i_dirty_jokes_006_52a0503b7895b.jpg

[ZR]

https://jokesuk.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/735.png?w=300&h=200

[ZR]

http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/what-is-australian-kiss-dirty-joke.jpg

[ZR]

http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/yhst-94387763560218_2251_1395537636

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/sSZXZ1444615837/Bika11444615837.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/ytTzq1444516015/3xvcn1444516015.jpg

[ZR]

http://d2tq98mqfjyz2l.cloudfront.net/image_cache/1385127925849391.jpg

[ZR]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0QwfBMP0tuU/VYUwfrSj2AI/AAAAAAAADDw/-djTr2VBu_8/s1600/funny-beggar-cartoon-jokes.jpg

[ZR]

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/health-beauty-brazilian-manscaping-hair_removal-embarrassing_secret-embarrassment-kwan120_low.jpg

[Ghost Rider]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/sSZXZ1444615837/Bika11444615837.jpg


LOL

[Helenna]

There is some jokes collected from students essay writing (http://caessaywriter.com/):
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/MwrsB1444914659/XcDMt1444914659.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/mCOAK1444914866/rTgvw1444914866.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/bwHOk1445001962/ATmDw1445001962.jpg

[ZR]

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/dirty-jokes-31.jpg

[RedSN]

http://thumbs.lolspotsarticles.com/Oaqs29ymY-thumb.jpeg
http://i.imgur.com/KvWPI.png
https://i.imgur.com/CWfAxJE.jpg
http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/Such+wise+words+_6697c470a107e3c9d02a31ff80f99c24. jpg
http://i.imgur.com/o6l41Lm.jpg
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwZ_ZhdtSCW813jEXcx4Ajl-sBS4qe56gyVoAT90T0sitB_mVG

[MUSTANGWOP]

^^^ Mitch Hedberg is awesome!! A great comedian lost way too soon.

[ZR]

http://img.humorsharing.com/media/images/1312/i_dirty_jokes_52a05023b6e2e.jpg

[ZR]

http://fun2video.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/funny-wish-joke.jpg

[ZR]

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/comics-gopher-crazy-girlfriend-553570.jpeg

[ZR]

http://stuffpoint.com/funny/image/401767-funny-animal-crazy-joke-1.jpg

[ZR]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lNcHbFdRaPg/UA7HcLRoe8I/AAAAAAAAAV8/g4WP2dTn3MY/s1600/jokes.jpg

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/7f/89/37/7f8937ee6da9c52ea857c26f0f2168c9.jpg

[ZR]

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2840/9679553600_1a5e997e72_z.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.jokeoverflow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/thats-crazy-e1314173314334.jpg

[Canadianii]

The Cardiologist:

A Vehicle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a vehicle when he spotted a
well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the vehicle .
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in; then, when I was finished, it worked just like new.
So, how is it that I make $54,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[CON VERT]

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12046727_10153257781882499_1005525251617590157_n.j pg?oh=0f0fe8af2205f7ef44cc31c037279237&oe=56CB02D0

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/cdFfa1445604570/u4DUR1445604570.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/51/519922d6bae628a49ce9bd6ed90ddf035c90c0644913aeefee 6d814f5e9eb095.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/a7R9s1446242054/JDgjC1446242054.jpg

[WTF]

INNISFIL, Ont. -- He doesn't appear to have used that brain the Wizard gave him.

Police say officers dispatched to a fight call early Saturday in Innisfil, Ont., found a man dressed as the Tin Man from "The Wizard of Oz" being treated for injuries.

South Simcoe police say witnesses at the Stroud Arena -- who were dressed as Dorothy, Glinda the Good Witch and the Wicked Witch of the East -- said the Tin Man had been punched by his friend the Scarecrow.

In a release, police say "the Scarecrow didn't have the brains to stick around, and ran away with the Cowardly Lion."

Turns out "the Tin Man didn't have the heart to lay charges against his friend, and refused to tell the officers anything." He was treated for minor injuries.

Police say they believe alcohol was involved.

[RedSN]

Definitely a 'Good Joke'

"Sometimes, our officers see things that are hard to believe."
CBC Toronto has attempted to reach South Simcoe police for more details about the case, though the officer in charge of the investigation was not immediately available.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/tin-man-assaulted-by-scarecrow-on-halloween-police-allege-1.3300773
Yeah, I'm finding it a bit hard to believe. No names, no pics ....didn't happen.

[ZR]

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/04/Funny-adult-jokes.jpg

[70XR7]

^LOL!

Here's one:

Bob walked into a sports bar at 9:58PM. He sat down next to a gorgeous blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed over her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too.. but I didn't think he'd do it again."



Bob took the money.

[5.4MarkVIII]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[ZR]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/dirty-humor-funny-17.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/jkcQn1446080934/Xyr4t1446080934.jpg

[ZR]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTGzz4Mt7faGtv1PHdHt3GWIR6lvKhjk O_OBz7Gg8KqT9TcqSqgPA

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/af/1c/2a/af1c2a1fcd9dd5b9258efe30c2d8eb79.jpg

[ZR]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/2f/a5/c5/2fa5c57b1c68655d92efafcfd1891859.jpg

[ZR]

http://jokes4laugh.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Super-Funny-Dirty-Jokes-5.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/anBBm1446720498/R2iPx1446720499.jpeg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/cmPp71446560953/TCoif1446560953.jpg

[ZR]

Respect.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/9luOX1446720222/zuXDX1446720222.jpeg

[ZR]

https://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/tie-me-up-and-do-what-you-want-meme.jpg?w=504&h=335

[stangstevers]

Divorce lawyers?

http://i.imgur.com/Fy3uEVZ.jpg

[ZR]

Pure gold.

[ZR]

Yikes.

http://vsm.com--live.com/admin/uploads/epicsnaps.com/Joke%20about%20female%20hygeine%20are%20totally%20 inappropriate.jpg

[ZR]

http://memeguy.com/photos/images/oh-vizzini-youre-so-punny-46985.jpg

[ZR]

http://e.lvme.me/9n8go2p.jpg

[stangstevers]

(raises hand) Would be a great office christmas party (for the straight guys, and gay women anyway)

[ZR]

Guaranteed party'n with Bill is gonna be a good time................well right up till Hillary shows up.

[ZR]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kAuOB_iJo4

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/bYjsn1447161746/vsShM1447161746.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/GMVFi1446914845/2YMiE1446914845.jpg

[ZR]

Aint' this the truth.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/FJVJL1446914919/rDQao1446914919.jpg

[ZR]

http://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1380315146i/689071.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/Ysalm1447539426/ORw291447539426.jpg

[ZR]

http://chicago.seriouseats.com/images/2012/10/20121017-226629-standing-room-only-chubby-wieners-cartoon.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/M9jvj1447666445/a1EL61447666445.jpeg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/tzLPR1447539402/V1tTU1447539402.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/lZlS21445990293/irNpb1445990293.jpg

[90LXCoupe]

If I had a racehorse I would name it "My Face Baby". That way when people were cheering it on they'd be yelling, "Come on my face, baby!"

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/F9QSK1447886170/3dmmv1447886170.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/JXagz1448027467/AX9FR1448027467.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/z7LQL1447895928/OUHSf1447895928.jpeg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/DPQpg1448083334/n3OG51448083334.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/qXIVd1448013716/CGQu71448013716.jpg

[ZR]

http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/funny-adult-joke-pictures-humor_3.jpg

[90LXCoupe]

Women wake up yawning.

Men wake up with a hard on.

Coincidence? I think not.

[ZR]

Not directed at anyone.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/lhzkU1448581118/b8zFH1448581118.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/xSE7H1449513601/iFt6n1449513601.jpg

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/IQ5Z91449197411/1q8aT1449197411.jpg

[RedSN]

*sorry for the all CAPS


AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE."SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."

[CON VERT]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

[ZR]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[ZR]

It has been determined that the most used
sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[tulowd]

http://i1245.photobucket.com/albums/gg582/tulowd/13124638_10154007953196068_693055991126876389_n_zp svuc6rolx.jpg

[Harbinger]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160524/6447901acb16f51fe1a26e31f575a768.jpg

[ZR]

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1239353270/beaver.gif

[ZR]

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league..."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'





VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM

[baddbullitt]

STATE OF MICHIGAN
Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi
RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,Michigan — I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is — aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition — contact the dambeavers — but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) — be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers — be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State — I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

[mavrrrick]

Why do women fake orgasms???
Cause they think we care!!!

[mavrrrick]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160830/35f06f13f05104cf122beec9e6b02f34.jpg

Sent from my XT1064 using Tapatalk

[mavrrrick]

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
Boooooooooooooooooooo

[ZR]

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/c24RE1472260422/KcJgN1472260422.jpg

[ZR]

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long
" Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

[js197]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions.
Two Different Morals.

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house, and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBC, CTV, Global, and City TV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canada is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on CBC News with Peter Mansbridge along with the grasshopper and everybody cries while they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

People Against Poverty stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, We Shall Overcome.

Then, Justin Trudeau, has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

Kathleen Wynne condemns the ant and blames Prime Minister Harper, former Premier Mike Harris, Bill Davis, Joe Clarke, Harold Ballard, and Conrad Black for the grasshopper's plight.

Justin Trudeau and Scott Brison explain in an interview with Wendy Mesley that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the Provincial Liberal/NDP coalition drafts the Economic
Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
grasshoppers and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes; his home is confiscated by the Ontario Government's Green Czar, Kathleen Wynne and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize and ramshackle the once prosperous and peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in the next election!

[Black Sheep]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions.
Two Different Morals.

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house, and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBC, CTV, Global, and City TV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canada is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on CBC News with Peter Mansbridge along with the grasshopper and everybody cries while they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

People Against Poverty stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, We Shall Overcome.

Then, Justin Trudeau, has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

Kathleen Wynne condemns the ant and blames Prime Minister Harper, former Premier Mike Harris, Bill Davis, Joe Clarke, Harold Ballard, and Conrad Black for the grasshopper's plight.

Justin Trudeau and Scott Brison explain in an interview with Wendy Mesley that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the Provincial Liberal/NDP coalition drafts the Economic
Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
grasshoppers and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes; his home is confiscated by the Ontario Government's Green Czar, Kathleen Wynne and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize and ramshackle the once prosperous and peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in the next election!

I like the old version. But the new one is much closer to the way it is now.

[js197]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3


Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)


Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose


Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00 . In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:
Correct


Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:
Correct


Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[70XR7]

^Nice.

[ZR]

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

[ZR]

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”

[ZR]

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?A: Beat it. We're closed.

[ZR]

Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"

[ZR]

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

[ZR]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/barjokes/cheatingwifejokes.html

[RedSN]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[mavrrrick]

^^^^ LMFAO

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk