Christmas family drama. am i being the Ahole?

[5.4MarkVIII]

first off yes i am an ass. i know that. BUT

for literally decades my wife an I as well as my other Brother have bent over backwards to make Family Christmas work with My parents. My older Brother and his significant others have made it difficult. his current long term GF, (live together with 3 of her kids) always have demands.

my parents include them in the gift giving, and get told "they aren't your grand kids" so next year they just get them little things and get told "why don't you treat them like your other grand kids.

every year the presents are either too nice which isn't fair because they cant afford to match. (but always afford the travel holidays and golfing every weekend) or the presents are cheap and should be better.

the food is never good enough. they kids are ALWAYS pissy and demanding to go home (teenagers now) we used to always enjoy a cigar together in the shop and now are forbade from smoking because the spouse has quit smoking.

planning the day takes MONTHS of trying to select dates only to have them claim nothing works do it when ever we wont be coming, and then they stop up last min, 5 extra mouths to feed, and then complain after that they were not included.

the last straw for me was 2 years ago when my parents where planning an addition to their house and he complained saying that they were wasting his inheritance.

we decided that the date will be picked if they come great, if they don't that's their decision.

this year they have suffered a terrible loss. horrible and heart wrenching and my heart goes out to them for what they are dealing with, BUT nothing anyone did was good enough. we even gave them our house (basically a cottage across from the lake) for a week in the summer to get away.) they took advantage of the offer but sent texts later about how no one was dong enough. they weren't getting enough support. family should be coming buy and doing chores and my brother even sent out a text listing "how family should attend to family during a crisis"

for comparison my wife's oma passed recently, I have known her longer than my own grandparents, and for decades longer than my brother and his SO have been together. didn't receive so much as a text from either of them

anyway that's the back story. this year like 2 months ago they informed up that due to their loss this year they would not be attending any Christmas events. so we planned as we usualy do. a couple weeks ago they contacted my parents and said they may come. not sure, it will be last min. BUT it is the 1 year anniversary of their eldest (20 ish) one year being sober. and Christmas would have to be DRY to support them, they might not be coming, if they do it will only be for dinner but they want no alcohol in the house in case they come.

the rest of us said no. and they sobbed to my parents laid on a huge guilt trip about how no one supports them in their hard times. and the family home was suppose to be their place of respect and caring. so my parents backed down and agreed to a dry dinner they told us that we could bring alcohol but would have to hide it if they showed up. my one brother has some minor special needs he lives alone and is fully capable but idolizes my older brother. he has told him what they said and now my older brother is using him to guilt and force my parents.

i told them I was done with the games. i would keep the piece but family Christmas should not be full of ultimatums.

now I'm the bad guy and i should be "turning over a new leaf to accept family and be supportive.

Am I the asshole?

or at least more of an asshole than normal?

[Spock]

first off yes i am an ass. i know that. BUT

for literally decades my wife an I as well as my other Brother have bent over backwards to make Family Christmas work with My parents. My older Brother and his significant others have made it difficult. his current long term GF, (live together with 3 of her kids) always have demands.

my parents include them in the gift giving, and get told "they aren't your grand kids" so next year they just get them little things and get told "why don't you treat them like your other grand kids.

every year the presents are either too nice which isn't fair because they cant afford to match. (but always afford the travel holidays and golfing every weekend) or the presents are cheap and should be better.

the food is never good enough. they kids are ALWAYS pissy and demanding to go home (teenagers now) we used to always enjoy a cigar together in the shop and now are forbade from smoking because the spouse has quit smoking.

planning the day takes MONTHS of trying to select dates only to have them claim nothing works do it when ever we wont be coming, and then they stop up last min, 5 extra mouths to feed, and then complain after that they were not included.

the last straw for me was 2 years ago when my parents where planning an addition to their house and he complained saying that they were wasting his inheritance.

we decided that the date will be picked if they come great, if they don't that's their decision.

this year they have suffered a terrible loss. horrible and heart wrenching and my heart goes out to them for what they are dealing with, BUT nothing anyone did was good enough. we even gave them our house (basically a cottage across from the lake) for a week in the summer to get away.) they took advantage of the offer but sent texts later about how no one was dong enough. they weren't getting enough support. family should be coming buy and doing chores and my brother even sent out a text listing "how family should attend to family during a crisis"

for comparison my wife's oma passed recently, I have known her longer than my own grandparents, and for decades longer than my brother and his SO have been together. didn't receive so much as a text from either of them

anyway that's the back story. this year like 2 months ago they informed up that due to their loss this year they would not be attending any Christmas events. so we planned as we usualy do. a couple weeks ago they contacted my parents and said they may come. not sure, it will be last min. BUT it is the 1 year anniversary of their eldest (20 ish) one year being sober. and Christmas would have to be DRY to support them, they might not be coming, if they do it will only be for dinner but they want no alcohol in the house in case they come.

the rest of us said no. and they sobbed to my parents laid on a huge guilt trip about how no one supports them in their hard times. and the family home was suppose to be their place of respect and caring. so my parents backed down and agreed to a dry dinner they told us that we could bring alcohol but would have to hide it if they showed up. my one brother has some minor special needs he lives alone and is fully capable but idolizes my older brother. he has told him what they said and now my older brother is using him to guilt and force my parents.

i told them I was done with the games. i would keep the piece but family Christmas should not be full of ultimatums.

now I'm the bad guy and i should be "turning over a new leaf to accept family and be supportive.

Am I the asshole?

or at least more of an asshole than normal?

Life is too short
Cut the ties & move on

[RedSN]

Do you walk around in the Summer time, saying, "How about this heat?"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs

[ZR]

IMHO............pain in the ass or not, you only get one family.
All I've got.

[ChickenLips]

you are the reasonable one, and also the one who needs to do the dirty work.

Putting the burden of setting boundaries on your parents is in effect forcing a "Sophie's Choice" on them.

I had a somewhat similar situation that I and the rest of the family tolerated for too long. I stepped in and set boundaries. There was a one year boycott, and then boundaries were respected and everyone got along better.

A vegan or teetotaller that can't miss an episode of the bachelor should not define the menu, libations, or schedule for anyone. If they want to dictate terms, let them host, otherwise fuck off.

You aren't an asshole, you're the one dispensing much needed discipline to the children.

[ChickenLips]

you are the reasonable one, and also the one who needs to do the dirty work.

Putting the burden of setting boundaries on your parents is in effect forcing a "Sophie's Choice" on them.

I had a somewhat similar situation that I and the rest of the family tolerated for too long. I stepped in and set boundaries. There was a one year boycott, and then boundaries were respected and everyone got along better.

A vegan or teetotaller that can't miss an episode of the bachelor should not define the menu, libations, or schedule. If they want to dictate terms, let them host, otherwise fuck off.

You aren't an asshole, you're the one dispensing much needed discipline to the children.

An excellent book on how to diplomatically deal with manipulation is "When I say No, I feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. Should be required reading in secondary school.

[mavrrrick]

Life is too short
Cut the ties & move on

Exactly what I did. Bro is an alcoholic asshole and after my father passed my mother became the same. Told them both to hit the road…. Both were unkind to my wife and wasn’t gonna let that happen anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[5.4MarkVIII]

Do you walk around in the Summer time, saying, "How about this heat?"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs

Lol have not heard that in awhile. Classic

[5.4MarkVIII]

Trying to keep the piece. Moms doing good but here health is dwindling. Don’t know how many Christmas’s she has left. Trying to give her as good of one’s as we can. Without her being taken advantage of.

[Ponyryd]

I’d have to say you’re being pretty reasonable, but I’m kind of an ass as well. I don’t bend over backwards for fuckers like that anymore, if they want special treatment they can pick their own day to come, they don’t get to come on our day and demand this and that, as stated-life is too short. Be yourself but as nice as possible without caving to their stupidity, that’s the best advice I’ve got to offer.
Full disclosure, I don’t have a lot of friends, nor do I want a lot, but 90% of the people I meet I get along with just fine.

[LX89]

"the last straw for me was 2 years ago when my parents where planning an addition to their house and he complained saying that they were wasting his inheritance"

Wow...that's less than zero.
Your brother wins the asshole award.

[MUSTANGWOP]

If they want to dictate terms, let them host

This...

[5.4MarkVIII]

This...

they hosted a family dinner once. we asked if they wanted us to bring anything and they said no they have it all under control. we shoed up and they said we are ordering pizza. okay no worries. he took me aside and said that he didnt want mom and dad to have to split the bill. and that out two younger bothers could not afford to chip in. would i split the bill with him. sure no problem. 12 people he ordered 8 pizzas, i requested chicken wings as well. delivery showed up and then he carried 4 pizzas and a box of chicken wings in. i said where is the other 4 pizzas? "oh those are for our lunches this week, its a 5 buck deal"

the pizzas they put away were the specialty pizzas you pay full price for, all he brought out was a couple peperoni a deluxe and a vegan I got two chicken wings and one slice of pizza.

he handed me a bill afterwards, said that since i wanted the chicken wings i would have to pay for those. I ended up paying for about $80 of the total cost of the pizza. including the 4 they kept.

if he had of said, hey we want to host but we cant afford to feed everyone i would have said hey no problem I got it. but everything has to be done with a dickish form of control.

[Zee]

Do it for your Mom.
If everyone is siding with the sober kid you dont want to be the only one left out and be pushed out of the circle. The sober kid needs to MAN UP... its been a year into his sobriety and i'm sure he doesnt go to a restaurant and demand they stop serving booze because he's there.
Do you have edibles you can take? Take 20mg from a shatter bar and you'll be smiling all Christmas dinner. You'll eat like a horse, laugh, be relaxed and wont even have a hang over the next day.

Believe me I've had similar issues with family accommodating beyond what they should be.
But in the end, you wont have your parents for long and this will only be one Christmas amongst many. I say to prioritize your time with your parents.

[Quicksilver]

You are not the asshole. Being Jewish, we don't celebrate Christmas, but we do have Chanukah. In fact, this weekend my 93 year old mother in law is hosting what even she says might be her last family dinner.
My brother in law is coming, but he's orthodox and kosher, so he brings his own food. One problem solved. The party is on Sunday, so we don't have to worry about him driving on Sabbath(Friday night and Saturday).
They are actually pretty good people, but since they decided to become orthodox about 25 years ago, it did cause a rift in the family. My in laws had Friday night dinner every week from the time i met Rhonda until my father in law passed 3 years ago. The table grew from Rhonda her brother, and me, to my kids, then his wife, then suddenly he stopped coming. Why? Because my mother in law wasn't kosher enough! (there are degrees of "kosherness, and he went off the deep end).
Anyway, this caused a big rift, and for several years I caught the brunt of it, because I do not practice my religion at all. I drive and work on Saturday. I don't go to synagogue and most assuredly don't keep kosher. Most of the family is the same, but being orthodox gets you a pass for anything. In fact, for several years my mother in law was all over me: Why can't you be like my brother in law: go to synagogue, eat kosher, and on and on. And my obsession with cars? Why can't I be practical and buy a "sensible" Camry and keep it 10 years, like my BIL.
This lasted for years, until she realized how much this had impacted the family. Although we get along with my BIL, we are not close. our children have little contact, and when his son got married 8 years ago, well, i don't think I've said 10 words to his wife since then. It's like they live in a completely different world than us.

Anyway, our solution was to do our thing, the way we wanted. If they cared to join us, they would, if not, oh well. The few times they have visited us in that last 25 years, I bought some kosher chips and candies and that was my big concession to their religiousness. If we go there, I can of course eat kosher food so it's not a big deal.

In your instance, plan your party the way you want. Invite whom you want and let them decide to come, or not. Their problem, not yours. And if you enjoy a little wine or beer, well, it's their decision whether to partake or not.

[ChickenLips]

don't negotiate with terrorists

[StAnger]

You're not the asshole...

Though, if I ever see my sister again I'll punch the bitch in the throat... So take my opinion of family matters with a grain of salt.

[LX89]

You're not the asshole...

Though, if I ever see my sister again I'll punch the bitch in the throat... So take my opinion of family matters with a grain of salt.

LOL,I feel the same way about my brother.
Sometimes family can be your worst enemy.

[5.4MarkVIII]

update.

they told us they were only coming for dinner, so we all agreed that we would support them and not drink while there were there. my parents called him and said just send us a text on your way and we will put all the alcohol away.

the response was, no you cannot have alcohol in the house at all, period! no one is to drink or bring any alcohol that day. any alcohol mom and dad have in the house already will need to be removed from the premises prior to the Christmas party.

my parents told him no. so he is refusing to come.. his loss.

[ChickenLips]

My house, my rules applies. Strict enforcement, zero compromise.

I'd encourage spending of the entirety of that portion of the inheritance. Parents earned it, parents can spend it. Zero obligation to pass on wealth, it's a benefit, not an entitlement.

[5.4MarkVIII]

Oh I told them Years ago. Leave enough to take care of the burial. Or what ever they want done and spend every other last penny.

[Laffs]

Idk. Your bro seems like he asks for a lot, with little regard for the feelings of others and making them jump through hoops. But if i had a chance to see my mom on Christmas again I’d jump through those hoops.

[5.4MarkVIII]

Idk. Your bro seems like he asks for a lot, with little regard for the feelings of others and making them jump through hoops. But if i had a chance to see my mom on Christmas again I’d jump through those hoops.

I hear you.

Every one has told him to come and we will make it work. It’s his decision.

Sounds like mom and dad are gonna head down there at some point.

[Ponyryd]

update.

they told us they were only coming for dinner, so we all agreed that we would support them and not drink while there were their. my parents called him and said just send us a text on your way and we will put all the alcohol away.

they response was no you cannot have alcohol in the house at all, period! no one is to drink or bring any alcohol that day. any alcohol mom and day have in the house already will need to be removed from the premises. prior to the Christmas party.

my parents told him no. so he is refusing to come.. his loss.

Good for them…sounds like he’s being pretty unreasonable.

[redo75]

My father's favourite saying " You an bring a "donkey" to water but you can't make him drink it".
So go on forget it and enjoy your life / family, you tried "your best effort", let them wallow in their own made up misery.

[1quikgt]

update.

they told us they were only coming for dinner, so we all agreed that we would support them and not drink while there were there. my parents called him and said just send us a text on your way and we will put all the alcohol away.

the response was, no you cannot have alcohol in the house at all, period! no one is to drink or bring any alcohol that day. any alcohol mom and dad have in the house already will need to be removed from the premises prior to the Christmas party.

my parents told him no. so he is refusing to come.. his loss.

That’s unbelievable. I would remove the alcohol from the premises by drinking it all in front of them if they showed up.

[Quicksilver]

It's been said many times. Your house, your rules. It's his choice whether to come or not. You are 100% right.